Top 10 Vilfs (vampires I’d Like To…)
You know you’ve thought about it.
10. Selene, UNDERWORLD
Never mind the fact that this movie calls werewolves Lychans, and YES I know that's a THING, but it still sounds like a pair of supportive underwear or maybe a cleaning product.
If you haven't seen it, UNDERWORLD is about Selene and one of those Lychans being very hot and standing in the rain. The werewolf also has has ripped abs that are so steely, Kate Beckinsale falls in love with them. This is because she has a steely gaze, so she can relate. Who really cares, because Kate Beckinsale's portrayal of an attractive vampire in leather is what really keeps the plot going. Her voluptuous breasts are definitely the arc of the film.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.9. Louis de Pointe du Lac, INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE
Take the attractive face of Brad Pitt, the makeup of Marilyn Manson, the hairdo of Mark Wahlberg in ROCK STAR, and the outfit of a lesbian English teacher who likes her ruffles.
This is how Louis looks like in this film, a film where he kind of/sort of falls in love with a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst. He also whines a lot, has a lot of uncomfortable tension with Tom Cruise, and probably wondered off camera why Antonio Banderas' accent was so sexually appealing.
This is the original 'vampires are also sexy don't you want to have sex with them' movie. I saw it when I was 8.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy8. Whatever dude from Vampire Diaries you want to have sex with, Vampire Diaries
Ah, yes. Television execs are so very aware that teen girls go wild for vampires with leather bracelets and no chest hair that they made a whole show about it. That is the vehicle and the purpose of this show: look how attractive these attractive people are.
Therefore, it doesn't matter if you want to have sex with Vampire #1, the icy blue-eyed guy that has luxurious brown hair and also kind of looks like he should be modeling in a Sears catalog. And it doesn't matter if you want to have sex with Vampire #2, the evil one who looks like he can break a piece of wood with his smoldering glare. It doesn't matter because you are supposed to watch simply so you can fantasize about how you would like to make a sandwich on their backside, eat the sandwich, and then intercourse them.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy7. Satanico Pandamonium, FROM DUSK TIL DAWN
Maybe she's not so hot when she becomes her true vampire form, which is just what everybody's ex-girlfriend looks like when you tell them to 'calm down' (scaly and evil).
When Salma Hayek comes out on stage in a bikini and holding a big snake, I thought one of three things. 1) Wow, she's very attractive 2) maybe I should work out a little more, eat a little less cream-cheese-and-butter sandwiches 3) nah, I'll just get a big snake. I'm pretty sure it's the snake that makes her hot.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy6. Blade, BLADE
Yeah, he's kind of a self-loathing vampire. He also kills other vampires and generally hates them. But I'm going to look past that, because he's very hot. He looks like he would make sweet love to me while punching bad guys in the face, and that very much appeals to me.
However, you know what makes somebody infinitely more attractive? Confidence. Blade, you shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. Be your best self now, Blade. Don't go chasing waterfalls. Be yourself! Inspirational advice.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy5. Queen Akasha, QUEEN OF THE DAMNED
It should generally be noted that while vampire men get to wear cool leather jackets and beat the crap out of people, vampire women get to wear bikinis and slink around like sexy snakes. Queen Akasha is no exception.
So turn on this film, watch her slink around and think to yourself 'okay if given the chance she would take all of my blood, drink it for dinner, and then I would be dead and bloodless.' However, you won't do that. Instead, you will think 'take my blood you sexy monster!' Monsters are good now, just ask Gaga.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy4. Okay, Okay, we get it. TWILIGHT.
'Say it. SAY IT.' That's a line from the movie, and also the gnawing feeling I had in my brain when I knew that even though I didn't want to put him on this list, I would have to. Why? He's sexy as hell, even if he has the fear factor of a drumstick covered in mashed potatoes.
Whatever. These movies are movies. Some people have opinions on them. Some people live more fulfilling lives. Let's all agree to disagree, okay? Fact is, he glitters and I'd make out with him. Yawn, I'm tired of talking about Edward Cullen.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy3. Eric Northman, True Blood
In a show that is filled with some of the most attractive people in the world, you'd think there wouldn't be a standout. There are also a LOT of hot vampires. Bill, Jessica, Godric, Pam and the Queen were probably the inspiration for that song "I'm Too Sexy" because they are very sexy and that song is about that.
However, if you deny the gorgeousness of Eric Northman, and that Eric is the hottest person not only on that show but also in the whole universe, you are a crazy blind person and must leave. He turns Republican senators gay, sometimes gayer than they already are. He enters the room and Marvin Gaye starts immediately playing. You cannot wear panties around him, because they will rip off and attach themselves to him like he is the Underwear Magneto. Eric Northman, you are simply the hottest person on the planet, and you're not even alive. Oh, speak your creepy Viking language to me, you cold-hearted naughty boy.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy2. Nosferatu, NOSFERATU
The first vampire. Yes, he looks like the pedophile from the movie LITTLE CHILDREN. Yes, he is not hot but physically grotesque, but in a world where all the vampires are hottie hots, we must be somberly reminded of the truth: some vampires are unattractive. Deal with it, people.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy1. Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The epitome of vampire. He's hot, he wears leather, he's definitely evil, he's maybe not THAT evil, yes he is, let's have sex with him anyway, maybe I shouldn't do that, oh my GOD he's so hot. He embodies all the things a vampire should — he kills brutally and has lots of sex.
That's all we want. We don't want him to propose marriage to us, CULLEN. We don't want him to look hot when he murders people, NORTHMAN. We want him to be ugly when he's vamping out, but so sexy when he's not eating blood that you forget about how his face mutates into a terrifying thing of mutation. And yes, we want him to have a six-pack.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE UNDEAD and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
