While The Situation acts Italian-American, the pizza just is Italian-American. Pizza's talent is its authenticity. No amount of pineapple chunks or taco sauce can make a pizza Hawaiian or Mexican. The Situation, however, is not Italian-American as much as he is deliberately dumb 'cause ladies like that crap. Move him to an apartment in Brooklyn with a chandelier/bedroom ratio of 2:1 and you've got yourself a Russian.
9. Window Treatments
Unlike The Situation, window treatments possess a superpower: they can block the sun. These overlooked workhorses are wholly responsible for my restorative midday nap. Even if the Situation were willing to stand in front of the sun from 1:30 to 4 PM every day, rays of light would sneak past his pinhead and pry open my hungover eyes.
8. Nick Vujicic
YouTube sensation Nick Vujicic has more talent in his little finger than the Situation has in his whole body. And Nick Vujicic doesn't even have a little finger.
7. Britney Spears's New Boyfriend
Technically this guy has a name, but Britney Spears's New Boyfriend rolls off the tongue, let's not get caught up in birth certificate minutia. His abs impress as much as The Situation's and his girlfriend is fertile and unpredictable. What pays more... a few flash-in-the-pan endorsements, or 18 years of child support from Britney Spears? That kind of thinkin' is a talent called foresight.
6. The State of Nevada
With 68% percent of Nevada's houses in negative equity, one only needs knock on the door of any desert-themed McMansion outside of Laughlin to find a desperate Nevadan with a talent that dwarfs The Situation's. Hey, The Situation, why don't you take your five million dollars and buy one thousand underwater homes in Nevada? Free an ex-showgirl from real estate bondage. That would be a talent.
5. Alexander Skarsgard
Hear me out. This is my first top ten list for Sundance, and I am making a commitment to gay and female readers that I will try to wedge True Blooder Alexander Skarsgard into every top ten list I write. To satisfy the premise of today's list, Alexander's talent is acting like Sookie is desirable, which should earn him the TV world's first Oscar nomination. He also speaks several languages, and none of them have a word for "guidette."
Cows are ruminant animals. They eat and regurgitate their food, then eat it again. A weakling like the Situation needs exorbitant amounts booze to regurgitate his food, and he can't eat it again unless he is so drunk he doesn't know he's doing it. Actually, that will probably happen this season, so let's call cows and The Situation a draw.
3. Philip Seymour Hoffman
The Situation is famous because of his six pack, and Philip Seymour Hoffman is famous despite his one pack. Why? I think we know why.
2. The article "the"
"The" is a definite article. In fact, it's the only definite article in the English language and if there was any justice in this world, we would call it The The. In contrast, The Situation is one of many situations- the looming double dip recession and Kris Kardashian's parenting choices are just two that come to mind. The Situation ought to change his name to A Situation, because, let's face it, he is no The The.
You clicked through to the end of this top ten list, proving to any supervisor who checks your browser history that you read. I'm not saying The Situation can't read, but I will bet a million dollars that he doesn't.