#10 - Genuine Ken: The Search for the Great American Boyfriend
The purpose of this now completed show (you can catch the whole thing on Hulu, you lucky dog) was to find the perfect boyfriend. Sound relatively normal for reality television, right? Wrong. Because this ''person'' searching for a boyfriend wasn't a person at all but it was AMERICA. I thought our country had bigger problems than being single right now (always a world police, never a bride), but supposedly she's on the prowl for some guy who can cook her a high unemployment rate in bed. Judging by the commercials, her ideal man includes one who can muscle-pop out of his button-down, is able to make tiny Barbie cakes, and doesn't look like he can read. Add a shiny waxed chest into the mix and America's spacious skies are blussssshing! Hosted by another one of the girls from The Hills that looks like a Barbie doll, don't watch this show if you hope the stunning conclusion is the ''Genuine Ken'' winner being melted down into a sellable plastic doll. You will be gravely disappointed.
#9. Chris Brown's relationship with Us
Remember when Chris Brown used to have the most popular wedding song in America? That was cute. Remember when Chris Brown assaulted somebody (yes, it was Rihanna, but he could have beaten the crap out of his doorman AND THAT STILL MEANS HE BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF SOMEBODY) and we all hated him? That was kind of validated. I didn't want to listen to him much more after that, except hes on the radio all the time now. And he's not even singing some sort of ''I've been so bad I will sit silently in the corner forever now'' ballad. In fact, his song's chorus includes the line you like to drink? So do we! Oh cool, Chris Brown, I heard people with anger problems and alcohol go together like fire and pouring fire on somebody's body. This should go well for all of us. Oh, look, you threw a chair threw a GMA window. And yet you're still on the radio and being invited back to Good Morning, America? Clarification: when did Chris Brown get into an abusive relationship with the entire country?! ''Take me back baby. I'll never do it again!''*throws furniture, sings pop song*
#8. Kardashian Takeover
Not only do I think the reason you are famous is because you all look like Barbie's beautiful hispanic friend Theresa, I also know you are famous is because your sister taught us about the dark underworld of attractive people sex. However, this month I've had enough. Not only did Kim Kardashian grant the timeless and entirely more important icon Liz Taylor's last interview ever, I also had to hear snippets of her terrible pop song in every late night monologue ever. THEN her creepy clone sisters got TWO spinoff shows on E!, and finally the boyfriend of one of them ended up on Men's Fitness looking like a tall Oompa Loompa. I can't take it anymore, go away! I can't hear any more arguments of why you're famous! I can't look at your false eyelashes anymore! I can't believe you make so much more money than me!
#7. Rebecca Black's Friday
There's a common truth in viral videos: most of the time, the actual viral video isn't as annoying as the people who like referencing it all the time. I watched ''Friday.'' I had it stuck in my head, sang it for about three hours, and then went on with my life. And although 13-year-old Rebecca Black's making an estimated million dollars for singing a song about a girl who explains to us her calendar, she's not the annoyance to me here. The real problem is that for about three months after I have heard this tune, I will now hear people sing ''Friday Friday Fridayyyyy'' every.single.Friday. And they'll always think they are being funny and fresh, when in fact they are being not funny and I want to put duct tape over their mouth. And I understood why Rebecca Black wrote that song, because I do actually love Friday. And now? Not so much.
#6. Hop, The Smurfs, Paul, and other movies about insane people
Any time you watch a movie where CGI characters are interacting with humans, you should not be laughing at them. Watching James Marsden interact with a rabbit that sounds like Russell Brand isn't a lighthearted comedy for people of all ages, it's about a very sick man who thinks that he is interacting with a rabbit that sounds like Russell Brand. He's gone insane! He thinks what is not possible is true! If I told you ''hey so don't be alarmed, but animals can talk and they sound like popular comedians of our time'' you'd be like ''wacko.'' Instead, we;re paying nine dollars a pop to see it. Who is the crazy one, now?
#5. Tiger Blood
Charlie, you don't have Tigerblood in you. You have lots and lots of drugs inside of you, and you have now become the absolute worst nightmare for all the D.A.R.E officers in the world. Hello, everybody. I'm Officer Truth here to tell you that sometimes if you do drugs, you die. Other times, you start a popular hashtag on Twitter that leads to the word ''winning'' being a thing that all frat boys say when they throw back shots of rum. Then you go on tour across the country so people can hear you speak. Then you have two hooker girlfriends. So, you know, it's a 50:50 we're looking at here. Do drugs and die or do drugs and...you know, be a very popular person to imitate and quote.
# 4. Victoria Jackson's anti-gay Glee rampage
Believe it or not, I don't get my moral guidance from former castmembers of SNL who were known for singing songs about ''not being a bimbo.'' So when I turned on the TV and saw what I thought was an Anna Nicole Smith impersonator baby burping to a news reporter, I realized her yapping yap sounds were supposed to be interpreted as human words. And there she was, going on and on about how bad it was that two attractive consensual human beings kissed on television. And I thought, oh, somebody who I don't care about is talking very loudly now. So I turned it off. And then I watched Glee continue to be successful, gay people STILL BEING GAY, and Victoria Jackson probably taking out a third mortage on her hateful, hasbeen house. Check it.
#3. Britney Spears' Comeback
I know she has another song about dancing till the end of the world, which only makes me want to write a song called ''At The End Of The World: Panic And Scream.'' However, it's her first single off her upcoming CD Femme Fatale that truly disturbs me. If I say I want your body now, will you hold it against me is is not the thing that should be uttered out of the mouth of somebody as beautiful as Ms. Spears. It should be uttered out of the mouth of overweight hairy men trying to hit on you at a dive bar. He should be a fan of asking you if you are from Tennessee, if it hurt when you fell from heaven, and other terrible pickup lines. Please, Britney, don't make it worse for all of us who are single. Don't make it okay.
#2. Peter Coffin's fake girlfriend
So Peter Coffin is an American ''You-Tube comedian'' (I guess that's a thing now) who tweeted mildly scathing comments to Xiaxue, a popular model in Singapore. Who cares? I don't, because I'm not a guidance counselor in junior high. However, Xiaxue really cared a lot about it, since she blocked from her tweets OMFG. But then she got angry comments from a very attractive Japanese girl named Kimi, Peter's girlfriend. And then Xiaxue looked at this girl's pictures and thought ''huh. This girl isn't real she sounds just like Peter Coffin'' And she wasn't really Kimi at all, because Peter had taken her photos off a Korean website and made a fake girlfriend. He had also been doing so for EIGHT MONTHS. And then he was like ''no I didn't' 'and the thousands of people who read Xiaxue's cruel and kind of hilarious post proving she was not real was like ''yeah bro, you did.'' And then we all realized we all make up stuff on the Internet, which is sad, but we don't make up fake girlfriends, which isn't as sad. All of us have too much time on our hands.
#1. Lindsay Lohan
I can't even. Baby, just go to jail and let me watch Mean Girls in peace. Because of you, I couldn't even make my #10 Horrifying Pop Culture Moment right now the Spiderman musical (just turn it off already, people are falling!) or why Hollywood is intent on only making remakes of superhero movies or having people turn into wolves! And for that and your overly blonde hair, I resent you.