OUR TOP 10 LISTS

10. Kid Rock and the guy from Creed

Why It's Hilarious: Apparently, there is footage of them on the internet getting oral sex from a couple of groupies. Kid Rock and THE GUY FROM CREED, which I'm pretty sure is a combo that appears when you throw in a 30-pack of cheap beer and an American flag.

Hey guys, you already killed music, why do you have to kill sex, too?

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

9. Gene Simmons

Why It's Hilarious: I have little to no interest in seeing any singer from the band KISS without their makeup on. This is because I have little to no interest in seeing any singer from the band KISS with their makeup on, unless if somehow I climb into a time machine and travel back to 1985. Which I also have no interest in doing, except to maybe bring back some of that Crystal Pepsi or Madonna fingerless gloves.

Either way, I don't really want to watch a sex tape of Gene Simmons, and I'm surprised it was released. If you were having sex with the former band member of a band that dons themselves in geisha makeup and wags their tongues at you, except you were having sex with them 20 years after they were cool, would you tape it? No, I don't think you would.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

8. Chyna the former WWE wrestler

Why It's Hilarious: I'm too terrified to see it. Apparently, she has a *ahem* very large...thing that a lady has that is used only for sexual pleasure. Apparently, it is five inches long, sort of looks like male genitalia, and is pierced.

Now, if this makes you never want to eat a pig in a blanket ever again, I'd suggest you do not watch this sex tape. However, if you are a vegetarian and like subjecting yourself to the pain of a thousand hell fires, be my guest and watch away.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

7. Colin Farrell

Why It's Hilarious: Because he looks at a girl's crotch and says, "Breakfast, lunch, and f*cking dinner."

Colin Farrell may be a lot of things--an attractive man, a relatively decent actor except in Miami Vice which was terrible, and an Irish accent. But he is certainly not a nutritionist. Why don't you settle down with a nice bagel, perhaps schmeared with a little cream cheese and lox, and eat that instead? Sure, you can have women's crotches for at least one meal a day, but eventually you are going to be deprived of the nutrients you need to sustain and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Have this carrot, my friend. I'm a little worried about your health.

Also, if somebody said that to my crotch, I'd direct him to the bag of chips I keep by my bed for such occasions. Well, unless if it was Colin Farrell I guess (not with the hair from ALEXANDER). Then I'd let it slide.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

6. Tila Tequila

Why It's Hilarious: I'm only putting this one on the list because I had to watch five minutes of this footage as I was looking for sex tapes to put on my list, and it was terrible and now I want you to suffer too.

Tila Tequila is not really that famous, not really that interesting, and the only reason you might think about her ever is because you want to have sex with her. She has made an entire career from that simple fact--she is untalented and yawn-inspiring and very pretty so people want to do stuff all over her body.

Oh, and she's bi-sexual, which doesn't matter to me and doesn't make her more interesting, even though I believe she thinks it does. So go watch her have sex with a couple of girls! Go ahead, do it! Then go read her best-selling paperback Look At Me: A Blank Book of No Things and My Breasts.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

5. Danielle Staub, The Real Housewives of NJ

Why It's Hilarious: If you've ever watched The Real Housewives of New Jersey, you'd know the terror that is Danielle Staub.

In a show dedicated to yapping and elite Persian Cats talking about the importance of "family" while decking themselves out in gossip covered jewelry, you'd think there would be no room for a villain. You'd probably think, "I am the villain of this show--not only just because I don't really like New Jersey and I don't pay for house renovations in cash--but because I am hurting myself intentionally just by watching this." But everybody hated Danielle because she was one of those women that is so crazy and so emotional you just say out loud, "She can't be serious." But she totally is serious. She's like the chick at work that starts crying over the fact that there are no Post-Its and you are like seriously, bitch? Get a grip. And then that office chick talks smack behind all of your backs and you KNOW it but you can't do anything about it. Well, you can now watch that chick have sex with a guy with her pierced vagina. If you want to.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

4. Kim Kardashian

Why It's Hilarious: Kim Kardashian is probably the prettiest My Sized Barbie I have ever seen in my entire life. She has eyelashes that are made from tarantula legs, the mane of a horse, and an hourglass figure exactly like the giant hourglass Jafar shoved Jasmine in at the end of ALADDIN. I don't think I just made her sound attractive, but I swear she is. She also makes me feel relatively unattractive, relatively poor (she's VERY rich) and relatively happy that I don't have any sisters (they are VERY annoying). However, all of this jealousy turns to relative glee when I realize that I have something that Kim Kardashian will never have: zero video footage of me getting peed on by Brandy's little brother. You remember Brandy, right? She sang with Monica about boys and had that show Moesha? Well, she also has a brother, who used to date Kim Kardashian, and then he peed on her. And then that footage was released.

So yes, I may have woken up in a tiny apartment covered in Cheetos, but I will do that with the knowledge that there is no urine on me, other than my own. And maybe my dog's, who I believe just peed on the floor.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

3. Verne Troyer from AUSTIN POWERS

Why It's Hilarious: No, it's not funny because he's SMALL, you jackwads. It's funny because who wants to see anybody from the movie AUSTIN POWERS having sex?

Considering it's a movie where everybody just talks constantly about 'being horny,' you'd think that any of those characters would perhaps make somebody horny. But they don't. The main character has awful teeth, there's that big fat guy... and is it still appropriate to do "Groovy, baby" Austin Powers impressions? Would people still giggle if I said, "One MILLION dollars..." and then put my pinky up to the side of my mouth? Answer: No.

Unless you bring up this sex tape. When you watch the character of Mini-Me climb on top of a girl and do his thang thang, the flood gates of Austin Powers relevance open up and you are now allowed to make all of these impressions. It's funny again! And for that, I am grateful.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

2. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee

Why It's Hilarious: Pretty sure this one is eight hours long, you can only get it on VHS, and it's pretty boring. I think they're on a boat, or on vacation, and they just keep saying stuff like "I effing love you" and how much they love each other while they get it on all over the place. Which isn't exactly something I really want to hear while I'm watching porn and making love to MYSELF.

Not that I would recommend pleasing yourself during celebrity sex tapes. That's kind of like whacking it off to Dawson's Creek: just because the people on the screen are attractive doesn't mean you have to go grabbing at yourself. Now I'm a little depressed, because I kind of miss that show.

Either way, this is one of the first celebrity sex tapes, but it's one of the best because it didn't hurt their reputation at all. A girl who makes her career running her breasts up and down on a beach and a rocker having sex on tape? I think I saw them having sex on stage.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

1. Paris Hilton

Why It's Hilarious: Probably the most infamous celebrity sex tape of all, it reminds all of us of how a hardworking chick can really make it in America: be an heiress and have a sex tape.

Like the skinny, big-breasted reality stars that would follow in her footsteps, she taught us that you don't need to have "talent" to have your own TV show, you just need to have sex with some dude in cinematic night-vision. Because this movie is in night vision. Which kind of makes it seem a little bit like A) a horror movie (which it is) and B) a war movie (which it isn't, because Paris doesn't get saved by Tom Hanks).

But she does give a mighty blow....Hey. What? I haven't seen the whole thing or anything.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

11. Jennifer Lopez? Yep, this one goes to 11.

Why It's Hilarious: Damn you, you pesky thing called 'relevancy.' Nobody's cared about Jennifer Lopez for at least five years, considering the fact she lost credibility when was engaged to Ben "Pearl Harbor" Affleck. Nothing wrong with him, really, it's just that if you ever even looked at a history book or even smelled one you realize that WWII movie he in was so grossly inaccurate. I mean, FDR STOOD UP in that film! That's impossible! Either way, now that J.Lo is on American Idol telling mediocre singers that "good job, screaming in different octaves is totally the new singing," people have started caring about her again. I heard she also has a single that tells us to "up on the floor," and by "heard" I mean I "pregame to it all the time." With all this singing about "up on the floor," I'm pretty sure this is why my dog pees on the carpet all the time. The floor! She speaks English. Either way, Lopez is important again and now somebody wants to get millions from her sex tape. However, I'm in the camp where I don't care to see it. Do I support J.Lo? A little. Mostly, I'd just rather see the tape where P. Diddy maybe threw the gun out of the car or maybe didn't and she was there. Remember when she dated P. Diddy? I do. That's the J. Lo I remember.

Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | SEX SYMBOLS and more, Tuesdays at 10p.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy