Top 10 Reasons We Don’t Care About Royal Weddings
Alida Nugent shares with us reasons why the Royal Wedding is so not worth the hype.
#10. Still Mad About The American Revolution
Listen, I understand that the fight for our freedom should all be water under the bridge now, even though that water was once filled with the demon drink tea our British oppressors taxed us on without asking first.
Oh yeah, because our forefathers were totally brought down by the BRITISH man only 200 years ago, and I see the look in Prince William's eyes when he gets a look at an American stamp and he thinks ''oh, I wish I could still tax that.''
And I've seen the smirk on Middleton's face when she's sees an American house, it’s one undeniably of ''I'd like to force our British soldiers to be housed there without the consent of the owner.'' I remember a lot from 9th grade history, and it is that British people really want to tax us. I hate that!
#9. Prince William isn't as hot as he used to be
There. I said it. We all know it’s true, but we’re all pretending it’s not because we’re too stubborn to admit it. This is because he was REALLY hot when he was younger, and now he’s just..kind of starting to look like his dad.
Actually, Harry came up from nowhere and is kind of the hot one now. Redheads for the win!
#8. Kate Middleton Seems Kind of Boring
If she were a sandwich, she’d be whole-grain bread with too much turkey. There would not be mayo, just mustard. She might or might not have Swiss cheese on her and she would definitely have extra spinach leaves. She is like watching really expensive paint dry.
#7. It's At 4am on a Friday
If you are up at 4am to watch the Royal Wedding, you are officially the weirdest person I know. I imagine that you have a lot of cats you call Lord and Lady.
I imagine you are going to sit with these cats and eat shortbread you got for your boyfriend in 1982 but he left to the store for cigarettes and he’ll be back, I swear.
If you are up at 4am because you went on an all-night gin bender with your friends and now want to scream at the television every time you see Sir Elton John, I might be able to excuse your behavior. It’s the weekend!
#6. There is no liquor served at this wedding
The whole point of weddings is to run up to the open bar, throw all of its contents in, vomit shrimp cocktail in the sink, get your expensive dress stained with sweat and regret, make out with a waiter and dance the Electric Slide with an 85-year-old woman you don’t know.
This is the great joy of weddings. I wanted to see the Queen do all of these things. However, without booze we are nothing. We are all nothing.
#5. No Cake
You don’t get to eat the cake. Why would you even try to give a shit?
#4. You don't know them
I don’t get it. You’ve never met the royal family, you don’t have to spend 300 dollars on a silver vase from Crate and Barrel, and you are thus spared having to sit through a forty minute church ceremony where a lot of old people are dabbing at their eyes with tissues.
Weddings ceremonies are really lame to watch, except when they dance down the aisle to that Chris Brown song before hand. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that won’t be happening in this wedding.
#3. No surprises
Why watch a movie if you already know the ending? Nothing interesting or scandalous is going to go down, people are going to lightly cry, Barbra Walters will say Kate looked vewy pwetty in her dress, Kate will wear a big dress, somebody will make a tasteless Princess Diana comment, there will be candles and yawning.
Unless I thought Kate HUDSON was going to burst in and try to stop the wedding because she and Prince William have been secretly getting to know each other for days at a university he has been undercover in to lead a normal life (ROM COM), then I don’t need to see it.
#2. You're Single
Come on. Must you have another reason to wallow in the shame and pity of being the only unmarried spinster in your family? Even though you’re only 23?
Don’t stare at the happy people! Stare at the ice cream in your lonely, lonely hands! Don’t cave into the pain of watching Kat “ie Holmes” Middleton wearing an 8 million dollar dress because HER college sweetheart didn’t take a job in Chicago and leave your love behind.
#1. You're not from England
Case closed.
