OUR TOP 10 LISTS

10. Always be Funeral Ready

If you’re at a cocktail party and finally gather the nerve to throw that man-stealing, back-stabbing Katie McSkankFace off the balcony, don’t be afraid to. Wearing a little black dress will automatically take you from ‘trendy roof bar’ to ‘somber occasion’ in a flash! It’s the only outfit you can really wear to any event: a last-minute dinner with friends, a big gala opening, or an impromptu police booking.

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

9. Be a Fashion Taboo

Why should Our Queen of Weird, Lady Gaga, have all the fun? Sure, you can’t go out wearing a dress made of feral cats and aluminum foil like she does, but you can at least push the limits in your own unique way. With a little black dress, you can be the most daring and most scandalous..of the Victorian Era. Back then, if you wore a LBD, you were flogged with petit fours or tea sandwiches or whatever. You might as well wear a scarlet A on your bodice corset! Allow yourself to look really great while being the most scandalous woman in the ‘ladies who lunch because they can’t vote’ scene! When people ask you what you’re wearing, state: 350 dollar dress, 120 year rebellion.

8. Afford some Chanel:

Everybody knows that THE original fashionista pushed the little black dress straight into the spotlight. However, if I wanted to afford any of her products now, I would have to sell my apartment and half my soul. I would have to be a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman for 45 years, and that’s just to purchase a keychain. What the Little Black Dress allows you to do is always say that your outfit is ‘chanel inspired.’ Even if you’re wearing a hand-me-down black sack from 1984, you will be automatically cool again. Take that, student loan checks!

7. Finally make that time machine

They don’t call an LBD timeless for nothing. If you slap one of these on, you will be just as fashionable in the flapper age as you are in the ‘60s. So don’t worry about getting caught as a time traveler when you finally get your DeLorean working again! Just wear an LBD and blend, blend, blend!

6. Be a Chameleon

The Femme Fatale. The Fashion Goddess. The Sexy Good Girl: I am not any of these things. But wearing an LBD? I can be. It doesn’t even matter what I am doing..if I am eating an English muffin in a well-fitted outfit, the blanket of crumbs that will gather at my waist is clearly a glamour blanket. The jam all over my hands will be accessories, and my night of watching weddings on television will be the ultimate fashion decision. However, I can put my hair up in a bun and be an innocent ballerina girl. Or I can wear a leather jacket and studs and be the bad ass beeyotch I always dreamed to be. Nobody has to know I wasted a whole afternoon watching YouTube baby videos and trying to burp myself. Our little secret!

5. Look Thinner? Nope. Get Fatter:

I don’t give a hoot about over-dieting, starving myself, or not indulging in a good sandwich every once and a day. And you can’t deny that the little black dress takes a couple of pounds off the old frame. This leads me to one astonishing conclusion: buy a couple of LBDs, gain six delightful pounds on ice cream, look as fabulous as you do in boring colorful outfits. Boom! A delicious and awesome loophole.

4. Make Your Mama Proud

My mom grew up admiring beautiful screen actresses like Audrey Hepburn, Rita Hayworth, and other women who knew how to get out of taxis without exposing themselves. Nowadays, everybody worships 14-year-olds wearing bustiers and magnetic-attaching themselves to stripper poles. My mom turns on tthe TV and just screams and cries, hoping her daughter won’t model her fashion sensibilities after somebody who could be her granddaughter. Show your mom you loved Breakfast at Tiffanys, too. Give her some hope for our generation so she’ll stop saying ‘well when I WAS YOUNGER...”

3. Graduate to Adulthood

You can’t just put on a little black dress when you’re 16 and going to Spring Fling. You can’t wear a Little Black Dress to junior prom. You would look like an idiot. You don’t buy your first Little Black Dress until you have reached a certain point in your tiny adult life that resembles maturity. You have to be able to pronounce foie gras, look good in red lipstick, and be able to ‘strut’ instead of ‘walk.’ These things take time, and you have to go through a couple of heinous purple sparkly department store dresses to get to that point. You have to be confident, sexy, and mature- three things that will never go out of style (except at maybe teen movie awards).

2. Spill Everything

I really do love a dress that works similarly to a lobster bib: a protection against (visible) stains. I’d like to maintain an heir of grace sometimes, so it’s best that nobody sees how many diet sodas I’ve spilt all over myself in the past hour. It’s fashion with function!

1. Feel Good

Everybody knows the LBD is the one dress that gives you insta-confidence. You never have to worry about being unfashionable because it’s always in style. It’s the classic choice, the classy choice, the sexy choice, and the flattering choice. Who can argue with that?