10. Fake boyfriend
I have a whole lot of gay best friends. I've lived with them, slept in beds with them, gotten way too drunk with them and they are the best friends a lady can have. Here, I outline why having a Gay Best Friend makes every girl's life a little bit easier. Whenever you're at a club and some creepy dude is hitting on you, or whenever you need your mom to stop worrying that you're going to die alone and have a life that you go on dates with, you have a perfectly usable male for your bidding. I don't care if he's wearing a feather boa and a neon rainbow flag. If you tell somebody he's your boyfriend, HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND CREEPY CLUB LURKER BACK OFF. Mom, seriously! I'm hanging out with JAKE tonight. Yes, it might be getting serious. Yes. It just might be.
9. Reality Checks
Seriously, my straight friends are nice and all, but they pretty much put a big fancy bow on all the bad advice they give me. Oh he didn't call you? He's probably scared! Oh he didn't call you for three weeks? You're so independent HE'S PROBABLY SCARED. One time, my gay friend looked me in the eye and said to me "you should probably go out and find some other trick tonight because he's spent just as much time getting his freak on with other ladies as you have spent worrying about if he's going to call." OH.
8. Sarah Palin Rallies
All my gay friends love going to Sarah Palin rallies with me! She's such an INSPIRATION. I'm sorry, I meant eat cheese on my couch and watch eight seasons of Closet Hoarders, or whatever.
7. Stupid People Don't Know How Great Gays Are
Stupid people think that gay men are all stereotypes and fancy dressing. And yes, they can have a fantastic sense of style and know how to work a pair of shoes, but sometimes they don't and they dress like crap. They're PEOPLE. Anyway, gay friends are great because they are just as fantastic as all my other friends, but everybody simple-minded rock-brain thinks they just sashay around all day or whatever people stereotype nowadays. So they think "oh i watched that one sitcom with all the gay friends I can just watch that instead of have a gay friend." And they don't know what they're missing.
6. They Never Think You're Mean
I have lots of women friends who get all offended when I sit at a table and just talk crap about every person I've ever met. They stare at me with this stupid dumb shock on their face like they're not thinking the exact same thing because I KNOW THEY ARE. My gay male friends join in with great fervor, but they're better at it than I am. They use their stunning vocabulary to slice people open with a machete of words that will leave me with the great joy of laughing so hard liquid comes out of my nose.
5. If Gay Men Like You, You're Probably Cool
Like, they don't want to sleep with you. They don't want to borrow your purse. They don't want you to make them look attractive. They don't even need to EVER talk to a woman. Frankly, I don't know why they'd want to. They have all these fantastic other gay men to hang out with. But they do talk to you! Because you're so effing great! I hope you feel special, because you are.
Gay Pride Parades are without a doubt the most fun, most joyous, and most colorful and interesting parades out there. Thanksgiving Day Parade? Stupid cartoon float. St. Patrick's Day Parade? Bagpipes and annoying college kids. Gay Pride Parade? Glitter, people supporting equality, and lots of shirtless men. Um, yeah, I'll take it.
3. Girl Friends Are Stressful
Girl friends go out and are prettier than you sometimes. Girl friends get all the male attention. Girl friends sometimes ask you if they can date your friend. Gay friends...well...okay they do all that. But it's so much less annoying when they do it that nobody cares.
2. Will Never Steal Your Date
Man, some of my lady friends are like skanky moths to a man flame. Bring a guy out with a bunch of my girls, the ones who wear halter tops I don't really like but always come along anyway will give my date the side eye and lick their lips and get all handsy with him. And all I can do is rub his thigh and pummel her with my fists in my head. My gay friends will never do that because they know that straight men are mostly boring and lame and that other gay men are way, way more interesting anyway. They keep their paws in the right honeypot.
1. Keeps Male Murder Rate Down
Every time another lame dude breaks your heart by not calling or not texting or whatever he does that is dumb, you kind of think "maybe if I just ran around with an axe chopping up men they would LEARN." Men are mean! I hate hate them! But, alas, it is the lovely gay man in your life who grounds you from going postal. He knows how good other men are, and keeps you hoping that not all men are scum-sucking fire demons. And you put down the blade and give hugs instead! HUGS.