Top 10 Sex Scenes That Really Got It Wrong
Movies are all about imagination, fantasy, suspension of disbelief — especially when it comes to their sex scenes. But the mind is capable of only so much mental gymnastics before it goes “Nuh uh.” If the sex in question — or any aspect of the movie, really — doesn’t have enough believability, we’re taken out of the experience, much in the same way an unfortunate bodily emission can kill even the most passionate mood. Here are the worst cinematic offenders of all time.
10. Standing up sex in JERRY MAGUIRE (1996)
Ask people to name their favorite Hollywood sex scene and chances are, a standing sex scene will come up. For some reason, two people doing it upright just conveys heat. But how often does anyone actually climax in this position? Well, Tom Cruise and his redheaded, dirty-talking fiance (played by Kelly Preston) certainly do in JERRY MAGUIRE. Bonus points because they have a simultaneous orgasm in this scene, which is pretty much the only kind of orgasm that gets the Hollywood stamp of approval -- but is rarer in real-life than a Botox-free face is in L.A.
Runners-up: The standing sex in 8 MILE (Brittany Murphy and Eminem, 2002); LESS THAN ZERO (Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz, 1987), and ATONEMENT (Keira Knightly and James McAvoy, 2007).
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Author: Em & Lo9. On the staircase in THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (1999)
What do movies have against beds? In the alternate reality on-screen, it's not only possible but actually orgasmic to do it in awkward positions on hard, unforgiving surfaces like a piano (PRETTY WOMAN, 1990), a subway car (RISKY BUSINESS, 1983), a kitchen table (THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, 1981) and, in the prize-winning scene from THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR: on a cold, marble staircase.
For bonus points, THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR also features sex on a marble floor and sex on a wooden desk piled high with books.
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Author: Em & Lo8. The bathroom quickie in UNFAITHFUL (2002)
How many women do you know who can have a zero-to-sixty quickie orgasm without the aid of a Hitachi Magic Wand? And how many women do you know who can pull this off in a cramped public bathroom stall in a New York City restaurant?
Sure, we get that it's a turn-on to do it in semi-public while a bunch of ladies-who-lunch are waiting for you to join them, but we're just not buying her insta-orgasm over a toilet. The UNFAITHFUL scene, starring Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez, gets bonus points because they're standing up (see #1).
Runner-up: Timothy Olyphan's quickie sex against the bathroom sink with a female party guest (he rams away for a few thrusts and she climaxes) in CATCH AND RELEASE (2006).
Don't miss Em & Lo's Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of 2011.
Author: Em & Lo7. The cheerleader roleplaying scene in A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (2005)
Only professional actors -- in this case, Maria Bello and Viggo Mortensen -- could maintain the kind of straight face and suspension of disbelief required to make this scene so hot. And we admit it: it's freakin' hot. (So sue us, we don't always need our movie sex scenes to be realistic.) But the chances of two normal, mortal, middle-aged beings pulling off a 69 while one of them is dressed in her high school cheerleading outfit? Slim to none.
Runner up: Jennifer Lopez and George Clooney in OUT OF SIGHT (1998), pretending that he's not a thief and she's not a federal marshal so they can do it. (Because in real life, most of us are pretending to be the thief or the federal marshal... or we're pretending to be Clooney and Lopez.)
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Author: Em & Lo6. Britney Spears loses her virginity in CROSSROADS (2002)
It's simultaneously sweet and hilarious: Spears' character and her boyf do that classic, only-in-Hollywood, orgasmic hand thing: the camera focuses on both of their hands reaching out and coming together in a metaphor for (we assume) simultaneous orgasm and/or a melding of souls. On your first time? We wouldn't put money on it. Plus, Britney Spears as a virgin? Please.
Runner-up: Liv Tyler loses her virginity to her hottie Italian summer fling in STEALING BEAUTY (1996). Bonus points because they do it on a picnic blanket under a tree and no one gets poison ivy or mosquito bites on their butt.
Don't miss Em & Lo's Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of 2011.
Author: Em & Lo5. Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle McLachlan splash around in SHOWGIRLS (1995)
They look more like they're signaling for help during a drowning than actually getting it on. And only in Hollywood is it possible to do it in a pool or hot tub without the water washing away a woman's natural lubricant, leading to uncomfortable, friction-heavy intercourse that is anything but fluid. All performance, no pleasure -- at least for her. Runner-up: HOT TUB TIME MACHINE (2010).
Don't miss Em & Lo's Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of 2011.
Author: Em & Lo4. The driving scene in THE CHASE (1994)
Characters who don't pay enough attention to the road while driving is a common flaw in movies and tv, since the characters aren't really driving, they're being towed by the camera crew.
The less neurotic among us can suspend our disbelief just enough to get through these kind of driving scenes without being taken completely out of the moment. But the driving scene between Kristy Swanson and Charlie Sheen while he's behind the wheel and she hops on top of him in THE CHASE? Forget it.
You're taken out of the moment...out of the room...straight out the door...down the street...into the next county...all in an effort to get away from this cinematic piece of poo. Runner up: Madeline Stowe and Kevin Costner in a moving jeep in REVENGE (1990), because really, who would find Kevin Costner that hot?
Don't miss Em & Lo's Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of 2011.
Author: Em & Lo3. Undead honeymoon sex in BREAKING DAWN (2011)
That a 100+ year-old vampire would insist on waiting until marriage for sex? Yeah right. Even Robert Pattinson admitted that, in the scene in which Edward and Bella consummate their marriage, he had to hold onto the bed's headboard in the most awkward, uncomfortable, even painful way. Yes, planking during intercourse to the point where your body is shaking uncontrollably while hovering over your partner is the new hot.
Runner up for least realistic sex scene with a dead person: a tie between WEEKEND AT BERNIES (1989) and CLERKS (1994).
Don't miss Em & Lo's Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of 2011.
Author: Em & Lo2. Public sex in CRANK (2006)
Jason Statham's character is injected with a lethal drug that will kill him if he doesn't keep his adrenaline up, so he enlists the help of his girlfriend (Amy Smart): they do it on the street in broad daylight in front of hundreds of people in Chinatown. Of course, this is without explaining why he wants to do it then and there. And it's not without many protests and "No"s and much struggling from said girlfriend, while onlookers do nothing to intervene.
Of course, within seconds the sexual assault becomes totally hot for Smart (only in Hollywood) and she proceeds with moves and dirty talk that would make the most seasoned exhibitionist blush. Runner up: the opening vibrator scene in NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (2001)
Don't miss Em & Lo's Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of 2011.
Author: Em & Lo1. On the beach in FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953)
In Hollywood, beaches are sultry spots just begging to be screwed on. In real life -- or in the excellent spoof of FROM HERE TO ETERNITY in the movie AIRPLANE -- you're more likely to get knocked flying by a wave, draped in sea weed and forcibly given a sand enema by Poseiden.
Runner up: SWEPT AWAY (2002), because the only thing that goes better with sand is sexual subjugation.
Don't miss Em & Lo's Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of 2011.
