OUR TOP 10 LISTS

10. Ryan Gosling

No, he’s not a hot mess. I just think that if he had a gay best friend he’d be even more perfect than he already is. Just...so perfect.

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

9. Everybody on the Real Housewives

I have a feeling this is, secretly, many gay mens' dream. Boob jobs! Swarovski crystal Blackberry cases! Weaves! There really is something for everyone. But the real piece de resistance would be letting some of those ladies know that a boob job and a sports car does not, in fact, qualify you as rich and no, being on reality TV does not always make you star.

Now, where did you put that champagne?

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

8. Everybody on the Jersey Shore (especially JWoww)

JWoww can work it, and she’s the reasonable one now, so she deserves a reasonable gay best friend who will hang out with her and love her and not have to be babysat. However, the rest of them need a gay man to point out that doing your hair like you just got electrocuted by the blowdryer you bragged about worshipping is not a good idea.

They might also point out that orange is not a skin color, there is such a thing as too much leopard print. Shocking as it might sound, a gay bestie would probably point out that taking a night off from the 'untz untz' every now and then is a good idea.

Let’s just do something at home, maybe sit back, drink some wine, bitch about all the people off camera for a change. Perhaps you could catch up with yourselves on television and realize how tacky you look!

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

7. Charlie Sheen

Oh, sure. Let’s let him get away with wearing creepy bowling shirts on television for as long as he was on Two and a Half Men. If any gay man anywhere, ever watched that show they would definitely have a thing or two to say to Charlie Sheen.

Like, when you go on stage for your sold-out tour, maybe you should not be insane and on drugs. Unless you are Judy Garland. And you, my friend, are no Judy Garland.

Also, don’t shack up with two hot messes and call them ‘goddesses.’ That’s almost offensive to all the people who look damn good in a slinky, backless, sparkly ballgown.

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

6. Demi Moore

You married Ashton Kutcher. No gay man likes Ashton Kutcher or finds him attractive or interesting or funny or anything else other than ‘likely to cheat on you.’

Why? Because the only people who like Ashton Kutcher are either a) people who still wear trucker hats b) Girls who work at Hooters and kind of like his beard c) Nobody. You’re a gorgeous woman, Demi, and you could do so much better than ‘massive tool.’

What about Johnny Knoxville? His show about pranking people is okay, and he’s got that scratchy smokers voice I find sexy. What about Frankie Muniz? He was relevant once, too!

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

5. Kris Humphries

It's 2011, even straight boys need a gay best friend. Listen, Hump--you could take all the makeup Kim Kardashian wears and put it on a teddy bear. That teddy bear would now look like Kim Kardashian. She’s using you, sweetheart! Find somebody else to be Cousin It to your Lurch.

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

4. Kim Kardashian

A gay best friend would only encourage our lovely Kardashian to have the 18 million dollar wedding of her dreams to the man we can only assume she was, at the very least, vaguely attracted to at some point in time. Why? Because 18 million dollars just to be in the same room with a tall man while wearing a flattering dress sounds fantastic. I would do that, you would do that, and anybody else would do that. Think of all the sandwiches one can buy! But, a gay best friend would not suggest getting divorced after three months because it sort of ‘ruins the illusion.’ It’s like a puppet show--everybody’s okay with it being fake until you can see the strings. Was he that bad that you couldn’t wait till your year anniversary? You couldn’t go on with the charade for nine more months ‘for your fans?’ As any celebrity fanatic knows, there are lots of wasted opportunities that all had dollar signs floating over them with Kim putting the ax on Kris Humphries so quick--the US Weekly cover where she solemnly says “I WANT TO HAVE KIDS” and then some 'sources close to the couple' talk about the struggle between her and Kris because they’re not having kids. Use the money from that cover to get separate McMansions. Get on the cover of People Magazine with the headline “LIVING SEPARATE LIVES.” Use the money from that to send a decoy to Kris’ apartment and flirt with him. Cover on the affair. Cover on the trial separation with the intent to stay together. BOOM. You just made 18 million more dollars, for 9 more months of ‘putting up with it.’ It's so easy, I can't even tell what you're paying that momager for.

3. Katie Holmes

A gay best friend would simply go into the room, look Tom Cruise in the eye and….well..he might notice something about him. His ‘radar’ for something might go off. I have no idea what you think I’m insinuating! I’m…talking about his acting! He plays a great straight man..in some comic sketches! What? Please, Xenu or Xanadu or whatever, don’t sue me.

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

2. Lindsay Lohan

The teeth. THE TEETH. Now, most of us wouldn't get a free clean-up of that whole situation from some dentist for the cost of a tweet. A gay best friend would tell Lindsay something like, "Get that meth shit off your teeth and also stop doing crack." Straight girls aren’t nearly as honest.

I know this because I’ve made it home from dinner with girlfriends to find a whole salad lodged between my chompers. The second I have a sesame seed visible, my gay bestie lets me know.

Then there’s the whole jail thing but let's just hope someone, anyone tells that girl, "Grow up and stop listening to your mother."

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy

1. Courtney Stodden

That girl (and yes, she's a girl) needs a couple of things fixed the heck up. For one thing, nobody should have eyebrows that dark, especially if you spend so much time bleaching your hair to look as fresh as corn silk that has also been set on fire.

For another thing, I’m pretty sure 17-year-old Corpse Child Bride Courtney Stodden wasn’t even alive when dark liner and frosted lips were popular, yet she still manages to smear them all over her face. Let's get that situation together. Moving on, as a female, I would logically tell my seventeen year old friend, ‘Don’t marry somebody that’s older than your dad because that’s lecherous and creepy and slimy and oh God the terror.’

A gay best friend might go a step further and blow up Courtney's wedding dress, alert the authorities, and drag her the eff out of that church. Problem solved!

Everyone needs a gay best friend! Watch GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS Fridays at 9p, starting Nov. 18

Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy