Top 10 Do’s And Don’t's Of Halloween Hookups
We’re all adults here, right? That means we’re perfectly capable of dressing up like a sexy social worker, drinking thirty pounds of punch until we actually find Candy Corn tempting, and making out with somebody dressed up like Super Mario. If you’re looking to find love this Halloween Season, you’ve got to keep a couple of important rules in mind. After all, you want the experience to be a real..treat, don’t you? Get it? I know, I know. You get it.
DON'T: Forget to take your makeup off before heading into the bedroom.
I'm going to tell you a little story about the time I hooked up with The Joker at a Halloween party once. Yeah, yeah..It wasn't the most original costume, considering there isn't one guy in the world who doesn't think he can do the absolute best "WHY so SERIOUS" imitation while freebasing light beer in his parents' basement.
But the fact that I can't seem to find a guy that finds his unemployment a "job in and of itself" isn't the point here. The point of this story is that he only wiped off his makeup a little bit, and after we made out on my bed for a while I sent him home because I still had to take Halloween themed Jello shots and vomit out 30 pounds of Tootsie Rolls I had now consumed.
The next morning, I woke up in a tunnel of shame as per usual, except this time..there was white makeup. All over my pillow. Also, mascara and lipstick. His mascara and lipstick. It was a visible shame, one increasing only seven fold when I realized that the Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger Joker characters never had luxurious mascaraed eyelashes.
DON'T: Hook up with The Pepper, the Raggedy Andy, the Fred Flinstone, or the Mickey Mouse
That is a couple costume. The Salt is going to run out of the bathroom with her very best "oh no you didn't" face and proceed to try to rip your polyester Party City costume off. Not that that wouldn't be hilarious, because that would be hilarious. I take this advice back, but only for my mere amusement.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
DO: Realize you might get stabbed
I've spent a lot of time in my apartment watching the SCREAM movies lately. With every new addition of the franchise, this stuff keeps getting more and more meta. First it was a movie, then it was a movie within a movie within a movie.
At this point, Wes Craven might just be sending people out in Scream masks to stab unknowing people at Halloween parties. Like you! It's not a bad idea on Craven's part, though. He's probably sick of having to pay Neve Campbell to do anything anymore, considering how she's even less relevant than her Party of Five costar Jennifer Love Hewitt.
That's really saying something, I think.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
DO: AIM FOR THE BRAIN
Zombie costumes may be popular this year. There could be thousands of zombie costumes wandering around the streets of your neighborhood, which would be fine and dandy if the Zombie Apocalypse wasn't such a PROMINENT THREAT IN THIS COUNTRY!
Didn't anybody see how shockingly realistic 28 Days Later was? Didn't anybody catch the real, human problems stemming from Day of the Night of the Living of the Dead? The ZA is a very large possibility at this point, according to Internet Forums and nerdsssss! which means you have to be prepared.
If you’re going to make out with somebody dressed like a zombie, you have to realize that they might try to eat your brains. I'd give them a hearty shot to the head, or at least shove a baseball bat eye to sever their brain stem.
I’d like to think it's better to be safe than sorry, don't you?
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
DON’T: Hook up with the guy in a dumb costume
You and I both know somebody's going to dress up like Charlie Sheen or an Occupy Wall Street protester. You and I both know the immediate reaction to this costume is the desire to punch that person in the face. Can you imagine the guy who thought that Charlie Sheen was a good costume? This is the same guy who uses the hashtag #winning all the time.
This is the same guy who uses the word 'hippie' like it still has social relevance. This is the guy who thinks Guy Fieri is cool. Those people really, really, really suck. If he’s dressed up like Captain Morgan or a beer keg? He a terrible person who is also probably an alcoholic.
Choose your costume wisely- perhaps a guy dressed up like Batman if you're a classic girl, or maybe the character of your favorite television show. That way, you can live out the fantasy of making out with Aaron Paul without having to kidnap him after standing outside his house for hours.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
DO: Live Out Your Fantasies
As attractive as you find Justin Bieber, he's only 12 and if you ever make out with him in public you will go to prison. As alluring as you find a guy dressed up as a cat, if you look for that any other day but today you'll be considered a Furry.
As great as you think you'd be as sexy rogue vampire Alia VonBitenschnapps on the latest hit vampire show, realize that will never happen. Realize, also, that vampires aren't real, and if they are they're probably going to be unattractive and boring and also maybe never call you.
However, for tonight, on this very special night of Satan, you are totally allowed to make out with Edward Cullen and live in your vampire bubble of weird, you weird person. Or you know, you can always punch Edward Cullen in the face. I'd give you extra points for that.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
DON'T: Listen to the Monster Mash
When making out. That'd be kind of stupid, don't you think? Weird, at least.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
DON'T: Give Up The Goods Right Away
There's a candy hierarchy during the Halloween season. Most sought after, the real top tier candies are Reese's and Twix. Snickers and Kit-Kats are mid tier. Give away your Charleston Chews and your Good 'n Plentys.
There’s nothing worse than waking up in the morning and feeling like you would have had three more Reese's Cups left in you if you didn't believe the empty promises of that candy stealer that he'd "totally call you the next day, even though he thinks he has a busy month at work."
Just eat your Peanut butter, chocolatey goodness in single piece.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
DO: Act The Part To Attract The Man
If you go as a ghost for Halloween, don't forget to act dead. Scream for hours about immortality, and the unbearable lightness of death. If you go as a sexy professor, sexily whisper subtraction problems and the entire opening scene to Death of a Salesman.
You get the picture- nobody wants to hook up with YOU for Halloween. You're not special- nobody sells wigs of you in Party City, and no 13 year old girl is ever going to sneak out of the house as a sexy version of you as her youth slips away from her and her mourning parents.
Remember how you are the least special person, and nobody will ever be you for Halloween. Disappear in another person for one sweet night of escapism.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
DO: Remember What The Holiday Is About
Summon the spirits of the dead! Pay heed to Satan! Give all the powers that be to Satan! Kneel before your gracious leader! Eat some effing candy and grind up against a guy dressed like a crayon! 666! 666!!!
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
