Top 10 Confessions Of A Junk Foodie
Everyone likes to indulge in a little junk food now and again, but few have truly mastered the art. Welcome to the secret world of the food junkie!
10. I eat Nutella with my fingers.
I have no idea what Nutella is SUPPOSED to be put on. Fancy french cookies? Toast? Pieces of cardboard? I've heard most people put it on slices of bread, but if anybody expects me to have the dignity or foresight to 'take a piece of bread out of the bag and wait for it to brown' while I have the elixir of the heavens sitting in front of me, they've got another thing coming to them. Have you ever HAD Nutella? It's the taste equivalent of Christmas, making out with Johnny Depp, or watching a kitten and a puppy playing in a field of rainbows. It's chocolate and hazelnut, which separately are both delicious, but together they are soul mates, like those two people who make out with each other in The Notebook. So I do not wait for it to be put on anything else. I just stick my finger in there, swirl it around, and have the honor of watching my dignity be slaughtered for the sake of delicious.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
9. I've microwaved a Peep just to watch it die.
No, the sugary-marshmallowy Easter birds do not actually taste better when put in the microwave. In fact, I'd argue that they taste worse, because I'm pretty sure decorative pink sugar crystals leak a radioactive waste when heated up. However, that's not the point. The point is I like Peeps, and I could sit by my kitchen counter and eat half a box and just be content, but then I kind of lose interest in eating and begin to stare at a Peep maliciously. I'm bored with eating the Peeps, and I know that I have to kill one. So I pick it up gingerly and place it on a paper towel in the microwave. I hit 30 seconds and I begin to laugh evilly as it puffs up and explodes, first the body, then the demented head. Then I stick my fingers in it and get marshmallow all over them, decide I don't want it, and throw it out. How Dexter of me, I suppose.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
8. Cheese in a can is pretty effing delicious.
Yeah, yeah. I can be a cheese purist with the best of them. I like the St. Andres, the Roqueforts and the salty Parmeseans. I've spent a little too much money on the Stiltons, and I've definitely eaten half a wheel of brie at a party. But just because a cheese is cheap or maybe not even really cheese doesn't mean it's bad. Well, it is bad. But I'll still eat it. Why? Because processed sliced American cheese melts better than cheddar, and gets gooier in your grilled cheese sandwich. And cheese in a can is like cheese frosting and if that doesn't really sound amazing then you can get out of here right now.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
7. I have no idea what Spam is supposed to be, but I've still eaten it.
Is it imitation ham? Is it imitation meat? Is it real meat? These are the questions I had before dipping my chip into some sort of Puerto Rican Spam dish one of my family members had lovingly made me. There was cream cheese in it, and yes, there was crushed canned pineapple. ''You need more weight on those hips'' and the best thing about Latina aunts is your hips could barely fit through the door and they'd always need more weight on them. The goal is to birth 8 babies at once, like those baby Quints I had as a kid. I ate the Spam. I'm sure some people like Spam, and to them, I say 'good for you!' I like when people aren't afraid of things that are in cans that shouldn't really be in cans, and I like people that eat Spam even though it was made for I think WWII. Either way, I don't like Spam, I don't know what it is, but I'd probably eat it again. Why? Well (a) you never turn down your family's food and (b) who cares, I'd eat a shoe if it had cream cheese on it.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
6. I don't trust you if you don't have an opinion on your cheese curls...
I like curly Jax. I don't really like the crispy ones, because you can't suck on them until they disappear in your mouth. If you don't have an opinion on this, I bet you drink a lot of flax seed oil, hemp juice, or crushed granola bars. And then I would feel bad hanging out with you, because I'd spend thirty minutes not using a napkin but sucking the thick layer of cheese powder that has now stuck to my fingers. Then I'd dip my hand back in the bag and continue eating.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
5. or a favorite M&M color.
Orange. ORANGE is the best. And I came from the generation that got to VOTE for the new M&M color, which turned out to be blue. I voted for blue because I was 6 and a tomboy and didn't want all my cool guy friends to make fun of me for wanting pink. Still, it didn't matter to me because orange is always my favorite and I will always pick it out of the bag. I don't even particularly like the color orange in real life, my favorite color is green, but orange is my favorite M&M. The same for this rule COULD apply to Skittles and LifeSavers, but I think it's more important to note that M&Ms don't have flavors so there really is absolutely no reason to have a color preference.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
4. I buy Salt and Vinegar chips just so I don't have to share them with anyone.
If you buy a bag of Sour Cream and Onion chips, mostly everybody will eat them in about 30 seconds flat because they are the best chip. If you buy plain, they won't go as quickly if you don't have French Onion dip, but people will kind of shrug after a while and take them because there is no other food to eat. The same goes for BBQ. However, everybody has strong opinions on Salt and Vinegar chips: as in most people hate them, and everybody else effing loves them. I absolutely love them, even though I think they taste like feet. I think they taste like feet. Still, I will buy a bag when I go out because I'm pretty sure only 1 out of 5 people love them, so only 1 out of 5 people will mooch on your chips. More for you!
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
3. Fluffernutter isn't nearly as good as just Fluff.
Why add the peanut butter? For protein? Come on, don't kid yourself. Just put the fluff on the bread and eat the bread. The peanut butter just slows you down in the end.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
2. I like getting dumped so I can junk food binge.
Well, I guess I don't LOVE getting dumped but it's a supreme (extra sour cream) benefit. It goes without understanding that if you are dumped you have to eat terrible junk food to ease the pain, and ever since I turned 21 I've been doing a little more 'booze drinking' but for the most part the junk food has been a prominent part of the healing process. My last breakup involved spicy Cheezits and lemonade. The one before that revolved entirely around seven layer dip and lime tortilla chips. And the next one I'm planning will have to do with ice cream, because I really want to try that new Jimmy Fallon endorsed Ben and Jerry's.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
1. I once ate a Kit Kat out of a garbage can.
I was 8 and it was wrapped but still, I present this mostly without comment.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
Hungry for more? Tune in for a cross-country road trip with celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre as he reinvents American cuisine. LUDO BITES AMERICA, Tuesdays at 9p.
