Top 10 B-movies Cast As Blockbusters
Twenty years ago B-movies and ‘sploitation flicks were relegated to sleazy grindhouses and run-down theaters that could only get clean if someone lit a match by accident. But they’re accepted now by everyone thanks to BLACK DYNAMITE and upcoming genre mash-up ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER. Remakes are happening nearly as soon as films are re-released, so why not look to the most influential and infamous of the sleazy genre? Troma. It’s time the Toxic Avenger and these other Troma notables get their marquee moment.
If you know Troma, then you also know some of this may be NSFW. In this Top 10, we link off to some questionable video content. You’ve been warned.
Top 10 B-Movies Cast as Blockbusters
Twenty years ago B-movies and ‘sploitation flicks were relegated to sleazy grindhouses and run-down theaters that could only get clean if someone lit a match by accident. But they’re accepted now by everyone thanks to BLACK DYNAMITE and upcoming genre mash-up ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER. Remakes are happening nearly as soon as films are re-released, so why not look to the most influential and infamous of the sleazy genre? Troma. It’s time the Toxic Avenger and these other Troma notables get their marquee moment. If you know Troma, then you also know some of this may be NSFW. In this Top 10, we link off to some questionable video content. You've been warned.
10. SURF NAZIS MUST DIE!
You can never go wrong with a nazi as the villain. But they somehow did in this cult trash classic, so let’s borrow an idea from THE FP: insane costumes, intricate gang rallies and still make it look “normal.” The Nazis themselves should be over the top, snide and cocky. Which is why we think Max Thierot should be Adolf. If you need proof, look no further than his monologue from MY SOUL TO TAKE on the California Condor. But who should play the bad-ass grandmother, ‘Mama’ Washington? Mo’Nique. We literally can’t think of anyone who’d be more terrifying with a grenade, a gun and a ham hock.
Author: John Lichman9. TERROR FIRMER
Rebooting a four-year old movie? Not even a big deal these days with THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN. So how do we recast a meta-narrative about shooting in New York and having more gore and naked women than the NYPD can handle? First, we move it to Los Angeles. Second: get the entire crew from BELLFLOWER together and explain we want them to make an over-the-top version of their award-winning Sundance film.Third: ???? Fourth: Profit! Fifth: cash in on old pop culture references.
Author: John Lichman8. THE GIRL WHO RETURNED
Before Troma was synonymous with splatter horror, it was co-founder Lloyd Kaufman’s way to self-distribute some shlocky sex comedies. THE GIRL WHO RETURNED is sort of like THE HUNGER GAMES, but with more T&A. GIRL was notoriously terrible, but noted for Kaufman’s repetitive shots of women doing suggestive exercises. If there’s any well known actress who’s highly .gif-able, it’s Emma Stone. Don’t believe us? Check out the Yum.
Author: John Lichman7. THE CLASS OF NUKE’EM HIGH
The premise is easy: the Tromaville High School is next door to a nuclear plant, it’s terrorized by the jocks who turn into a full-on gang and three friends get sucked into it all because of nuclear pot. Which is why for the leader of the gang, we want Casper Van Dien. Yes, he’s in his 40s, but that’s the joke as the nuked high schoolers Chrissy, Warren and Eddie can be Oliva Thirlby, Ezra Miller and Rory Culkin to make it a MARGARET/AFTERSCHOOL/TWELVE/WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN masterpiece. Except they’ll be bigger explosions, gigantic mutants and a lot of pot jokes. How could it fail?
Author: John Lichman6. KILLER CONDOM
This Troma-distributed, German-made splatter-sexual comedy about a police officer seeking revenge on the condom that took his testicle is tough to cast. We’d want James Gunn to direct, just to bring out that Troma vibe, but for the police detective with a score to settle to be Nathan Fillion. Why? SLITHER is an underrated splatter comedy and we think these two should team back up to make people even more uncomfortable when it comes to things that go chomp in the night.
Author: John Lichman5. TOXIC CRUSADERS
The world deserves a gross-out version of THE AVENGERS, so why not reboot the cartoon based on The Toxic Avenger? Made more kid-friendly and mass-syndicated, TOXIC CRUSADERS had all sorts of weird-but-toy-friendly characters like Ozone, who was blue, had a wheel for a leg and shot snot out of his nose to stop enemies. To take a full page from Marvel, we'd reboot this as Young Toxie in Tromaville High to bring in other Troma cameos. But to voice Toxie? Billy West, whose best known as Fry from FUTURAMA and better as Stimpy from REN AND STIMPY, could supply the best mix between awkwardly hormonal and being a toxic mutant that fights crime.
Author: John Lichman4. COMBAT SHOCK
The low-budget take on a Staten Island Vietnam war veteran’s slow descent into drugs and madness is perfect for an update. It can turn more into Rambo by way of A Clockwork Orange if we give someone like James Franco the chance to really let his freak flag fly. After all, if there’s someone who can think up an ending better than putting your dead baby into an oven, it’s him. Setting? We'd keep Staten Island, but maybe instead of filming across from a mall in a field, we'd go all out with transitioning between the island, Iraq and just how tricked out Franco can get before "cleaning" up his family.
Author: John Lichman3. BEWARE! CHILDREN AT PLAY
Famous for the five-minute long sequence where a group of cannibalistic children are gunned down, arrowed and pitchforked, BEWARE! CHILDREN AT PLAY can be brought around into a new CHILDREN OF THE CORN but with bath salts as the cannibalistic cult! The kids we can find anywhere, but the original film treated the adults just as blandly. Which is why we’ll take a page from The Asylum, masters of the Mockbuster, and just cast Jaleel White, 80s pop superstar Tiffany, Ving Rhames and Richard Moll as the townspeople who have to kill their evil ankle-biters.
Author: John Lichman2. THE TOXIC AVENGER
The iconic Troma character has been rumored to be rebooted for a while now. But if there had to be one actor to get slathered in green goop and a tutu, it'd have to be two roles. As Melvin Ferd III, the classic weakling janitor of the Tromaville Health Club, we want Jay Baruchel. He's funny and can pull off the slapstick that TOXIC AVENGER needs. But once he's humiliated and turned into Toxie/"Monster Hero"? Well, obviously we keep his voice but since we're going blockbuster, we get the same effects crew from AVENGERS to turn Baruchel into an 8-foot freakishly strong monster. As for the corrupt Mayor of Tromaville that secretly runs all the crime and pollution through the city? Nic Cage, as if you even have to ask.
Author: John Lichman1. SGT. KABUKIMAN, NYPD
Why is this above Toxie? Because there’s always been something offensively wonderful about KABUKIMAN and New York. Maybe it's how he dispenses of one criminal by turning him into a giant sushi roll, or how the plot is so terribly immersed in the 80s fascination with Japan that it's amazing. Our pick for the cop that turns into a flying kabuki performer? Nic Cage. We know, we already used him, but that would be the beauty of Troma--we'd combine the worlds just like Marvel did with THE AVENGERS. Playing the twin brother of the mayor of Tromaville, Nic Cage sets out to right the wrongs of his brother by going to New York to serve on the Dead Kabuki Actor beat.
Author: John Lichman
