Top 10 Texts You Shouldn’t Have Sent
71
10. The Double Text
????? Hello????????? Did you get my last text????? Uh, yes. I don’t care how many times I've told people about my 'bad cell service' or 'my broken phone.'
The fact is, I have received 99% of the text messages ever sent to me, and the reason I am not responding to them is because I simply do not want to. You are being ignored, and no amount of question marks ten minutes after the first text is sent will change that. Deal with rejection gracefully, like Susan Lucci.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.9. The Naked Pic
It is a fact that all naked pictures ever taken of anybody will eventually end up on the Internet. So unless you are trying to be an amateur porn star named Steak Tips, you're barking up the wrong tree on this one.
I don't care if you're an aging sports star, a New York politician, or Blake ''It's Not Me'' Lively, your pictures are still going to get leaked onto the Internet. More importantly, it doesn't matter if your'e 23-year-old dental technician Hannah from Idaho: your picture is still going to end up on the internet.
Promise that this person will see your naked body soon enough and hold off on it. Unless if you cut your head off, slice all of your identifying birthmarks and tattoos off, and do it against a white wall. Then it might work.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy8. The One Word Response
Why even bother? ''Sure'' is an easy way to end the conversation, but I promise you it is just going to piss the person you sent it to off. 'K' is worse. 'Fine' is the rudest. Seriously, just ignore us or give us one word. Okay?!
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy7. The Response To The One Word Response
That just seems desperate. You're trying to carry on a conversation on a sinking ship. This person doesn't want to talk to you anymore, and now he's going to be annoyed that you keep trying to drag out a conversation. And furthermore, you're going to be annoyed when he responds with one word, which is the international symbol for Screw Off I Hate You.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy6. Your Text Relationship
You know the one. You text them more than you see them. All day, you sit by your phone, talking about Ben Affleck movies, what is wrong with Hilary Duff's teeth now. You spend your lunch break talking to him about the ice cream man you're watching, how bored you are at work, how much you need a cocktail.
Sure, you keep promising you'll eventually hang out, but you know it's more realistic to spend your entire day in total contact with each other. Then, when you see him, you literally have nothing to talk about. So you furiously make out, then go back to texting for two straight weeks.
You never, ever date your text relationship. You just think you do. I'm seeing somebody, you tell your friends. Well, I'm not really SEEING him, I'm just texting him how boring dinner with my friends is right now. Uh, well. I didn't mean that! I'm sorry. I'm so alone.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy5. The Guy With The Girlfriend
Yes, you know he has a girlfriend. You know that they put up Facebook profile pictures of each other kissing, that she has an unusual facial piercing, and that they went to Cape Cod together for Memorial Day.
You also know that he has, in the past, had somewhat of a crush on you. So you text him things, innocent things of course, except that they are at 2 in the morning. It's harmless, you think. I'd never actually hang out with him or cheat with him or anything. But it isn't harmless.
Because a) you probably shouldn't be serial texting somebody with a girlfriend and b)you're only doing it for the rush of texting somebody with a girlfriend. Put down the phone, idiot. Find somebody single to carry on a text relationship with.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy4. The Text To Your Parents
First of all, don't text your parents past 9pm. They'll think you're awake SO LATE on a Thursday because you are drunk, especially because you probably are. Also, don't text your parents anything at all.
They do not know how to use technology very well, so you'll just get some unusually formal text message, sent ten minutes later, that doesn't really answer your question. It probably also asks about your love life. Do yourself-and them- a favor, and just call them.
They'd love to hear your voice, especially if it is connected to the safe, delicate technology they understand. ''What is this autocorrect! I want to say chicken piccata for dinner! Not Chicken Picker! What the eff!''
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy3. The Emoticon :)
I am an adult and cannot express my happiness in any other way except this smiley face! ;) Still an adult, and even though I am clearly old enough to want to bone anybody who I have sent this to, I also have to resort to putting together different punctuation marks :( me so sad. Kevin sad. >:( KEVIN ANGRY!!! KEVIN ANGRYYYY.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy2. The Ex Text
For Christ's Sake, I don't care how long you sit around listening to Band of Horses and wishing that you could just hold your ex, the love that made you sure of love, one more time. I don't care if you've made a shrine of their sweatshirts, wrapping yourself in the Axe-scented warmth of them at night (you definitely haven't washed them!) and still burst into tears at the sound of his name.
Even if you've lost 50 pounds, become way more successful than them, and have a hotter boyfriend named LARS now, just don't text them, okay? Because he's not going to text back and you're going to go crazy hysterical and annoy all your friends with the fact that he's ignoring you.
Or he's going to text you back and it's going to end up with you and him having dinner in some depressing noodle shop, reminiscing about the time you guys both loved each other. Nothing is sadder than eating noodles with somebody you once boned, especially if you go back to his Camaro and make out in the backseat. It's never as good as you remember it.
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy1. The Drunk Text
Ah, yes. We get it. It's 2am and you're feeling sooooooo good, because you just drank enough rum and coke to fill a kiddie pool (which sounds like a college frat party I went to once)! You're HAPPY to just be alive, you know?
Plus, you have, like, all these GREAT FRIENDS, and I can't believe I'm getting emotional it's just that I MISS them. Oh my God! I have this phone! I can totally tell them right now! So you whip out your phone and you begin to tell them. 'I L0fve Youuuuuuuuuuuu' you say.
Because you love them! And then you decide to text the nice guy who you have been kissing because he is so nice and it's nice to have a nice guy for a change. And you're like 'FuCk I wannnt you in my mouffff' and then he stops calling after that, because you're an alcoholic slore, and you just gave your dignity a swift kick in the pants.
Go Go Alcohol!
Tune in as we undress pop culture's most beloved obsessions. Don't miss LOVE LUST | THE SOCIAL NETWORK and more, Tuesdays at 10p.
Author: Alida Nugent / The Frenemy
