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There’s a reason why Truth or Dare is mostly played by high school kids — because they’re the only ones who are willing to spend hours coming up with creative truths or dares to get their peers more naked, either figuratively or literally. After a hard day at work — or, worse, after a hard day of trolling the help wanted ads in the middle of a recession — who can be bothered to be that creative? Especially when the sex is a sure thing.
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Earth Angel Hand-Powered Vibe featured in Time’s eco sex piece
Damn it! Why, or why, didn’t we get off our asses and pitch Time the “Sex and the Eco City” piece in this week’s issue? It’s all stuff we’ve covered before! [Shameless self-promotion alert:] Vegan condoms? Check. Hand-powered vibrators? Check. JimmyJane products? Check. Phthalates? Check? Safer material options? Check. In fact, we covered it all in our 2006 book Sex Toy: An A-Z Guide to Bedside Accessories — but that was back when sex toys were still “dirty.” Oh well. Maybe there’s still time to pitch the New York Times.
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We’re often asked “If you could invent your own sex toy, what would it do?” And usually we can only think of a wise-ass answer like, “Cuddle, make dinner, and call me when it says it will.” But fortunately for everyone with a clitoris in their life, some people out there are a little more creative. Which is how the Sqweel, the brand spankin’ new oral sex stimulator by U.K.’s LoveHoney, came into being: its inventor won their Design a Sex Toy competition.
The Sqweel was launched this past Monday with all the pomp and hype of a new Apple product — we were sent a free sample in advance only once we were sworn to secrecy, which made us feel kind of like the James Bonds of the sex toy world (but with a better gadget!). And we have to say, despite having a name that sounds like a ride at your local county fair, this toy totally delivers. In excellent news for everyone in the U.S., LoveHoney will also deliver one to you for $71.40 including postage (it will arrive via Fedex in 3-4 days).
So what’s the big deal, you ask? Well, this patent-pending toy is basically a wheel with ten tongues instead of spokes. It rotates endlessly to stimulate your clitoris — just like in cunnilingus except your partner doesn’t get tired and you don’t have to worry whether your partner’s getting bored. Here are some more reasons to love it:
The only reason we can think of why you might not totally love this toy is if the clitoris in your life likes a bit of a heavier hand (or tongue) — i.e. if a lighter touch sometimes feels a bit too ticklish. But, hey, with an orgasm guarantee like this, what have you got to lose? Talk about reinventing the wheel.
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As far as good ideas go, this one is right up there with sliced bread and TiVo: 1) Take the best, most popular vibrators that ever existed. 2) Make them out of hygienic, non-porous, phthalate-free material (unlike all their knockoffs). 3) Give the vibes a cool design touch by making them all white. And voila! You’ve got a great sex toy collection (not to mention a great sex toy gimmick). Jimmyjane, who’s always made and sold safe and stylish sex toys (like their Little Chromas), began this “Usual Suspects” line last summer with the Iconic Love Ring, Pocket Rocket and Rabbit (1st, 3rd and 5th toys above). And now they’ve just added three more: the Iconic Bullet, Smoothie and Duckie (2nd, 4th, 6th) — all of which are super affordable for such a high-end brand! If you or someone you love has a subscription to I.D. magazine and uses a Herman Miller chair at work, then this set will make a great indulgent treat.
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We Naked Love bloggers are suckers for a decent sex toy, especially if it’s made by Lelo, the Swedish “pleasure objects” company with impeccable taste and an eye for ergonomics. They’ve just come out with a new gizmo for guys — yes, guys — butchly named “Billy.” Apparently, men were enjoying another one of their toys designed for women called the Liv…up their butts. Not its original intention. So Lelo did the right thing and created a similar vibe made specifically for the anatomy of males (and their sensitive little prostate glands) and designed with a “security ring” to keep it from, shall we say, disappearing into they abyss. Billy is made with FDA-approved and phthalate-free body-safe materials and is rechargeable — how green! Plus, it comes with a user manual and a 1-year warranty — two very rare birds in the sex toy jungle. The Billy is available for sale as of Tuesday on Lelo.com (your friendly neighborhood sex shop should be carrying it soon, too), so gentlemen, start your engines!
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We have a special place in our hearts for Sherri Williams: the owner of a sex toy store called Love Stuff in Hoover, Alabama, she has been fighting her state’s ban on sex toys since the law was enacted in 1998. Yep, you read right, 1998: this isn’t an antiquated law Williams is trying to scrape off the books, it’s a shiny new law to keep all good vibrations out of Alabama. Sadly, her 11-year legal battle just hit a dead-end in the state’s Supreme Court: They voted 7-2 to reject a challenge to the state law that bans the sale of sex toys except for limited purposes.
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It’s kind of ironic: women turn to vibrators so their hands don’t have to do the work, but with the new Earth Angel vibe you have to hand-crank it to get it to work. Of course, it’s for a good cause: renewable, sustainable energy! And we suppose if you crank using both hands equally, you can tone your arm muscles (which seems like an infinitely better exercise regimen than this). Here’s the toy’s description on GoodVibes.com (not quite sure what the quotation marks around the word green in the first sentence are supposed to mean…?):
Developed and designed with “green” technology in Ireland, this manually operated vibe cleverly conceals a hand crank in its base. Simply pull the handle and spin it in a circular motion to charge the toy. This advanced, patented technology means the Earth Angel will never require replacement batteries. Cranking the handle for eight minutes completely fills the power source, providing you with ethereal experiences up to an hour. If your digits aren’t down with the round and round, this multi-speed smoothie can also be charged in any USB port or with a 5-Volt charger (not included). Any excess energy is conveniently stored for future angelic adventures. Since both the vibrator and packaging are made from 100% recyclable materials, this heavenly toy is good for the earth!
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Maybe we’re just jealous because we’re still trying to come up with an iPhone application that will make us millions while we sleep (why oh why did we not come up with iFart first?), but we think that the new Passion iPhone app that scores your boinks has about as much to do with good sex as a fart joke.
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A poster of Robert Doisneau’s “Le baiser de l’hôtel de ville” from Art.com
The Men’s Health article 18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have made us think we should have dated more Men’s Health readers back in our single days. (”10. A name for his penis. Even if it’s a really clever name. … 13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, ‘Take me on your futon.’ … 14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.”) It also got us thinking about the sort of things a grown woman should never have…
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In case you hadn’t noticed, we tend to rant and rave a lot about what you shouldn’t put in your body. And we’re not just talking about taking unwrapped candy from strangers. No, we’re talking about sex toys, too. As consumers, we’re responsible for educating ourselves about what we stick where the sun don’t shine — ’cause the manufacturers just trying to make a buck sure aren’t going to inform us. When we rant and rave, we lavish particular scorn on phthalates, which are an ingredient in jelly rubber, unstable vinyl (a.k.a. PVC), and other soft plastics — and, by the way, potentially carcinogenic. Okay, fine: you get it. The world is full of toxic sex toys and sitting on a dildo just isn’t the fun, harmless, innocent activity people used to think it was. So what should you put in your body?
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While most sex toy designers are striving to make their toys as technology advanced as possible, Ani Niow decided to take a different tack: rather that equipping her concept vibrator with a bunch of computerized bells and whistles, she decided to create something as simple as possible, developing a vibrator that could have been made over a hundred years ago.
The Steampunk Vibrator is made of stainless steel and brass, and yes, it works. Powered by a steam boiler (or, if you prefer, compressed air), it vibrates along with the best of them. Just be warned–when it’s full of steam, it can get too hot to handle (or, um, use). Maybe there is something to be said for modern technology.
Fun fact: steam powered vibrators actually did exist during Victorian times (they were found in doctor’s offices, where they were used to treat hysteria, an ailment thought to be brought on by the stresses of modern life). But the Victorian era toys were big, bulky, and nowhere near as sleek as Ms. Niow’s design, bearing more resemblance to a sewing machine than anything, well, sexy.
Steampunk Vibrator (flickr.com)
[The Steampunk Vibrator is currently on display at San Francisco art gallery Femina Potens, where it will be housed until the end of the month. After that, it will be a part of Maker Faire.]
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