The campaign of John McCain, in conjunction with the Republican National Committee, has issued an All Points Bulletin for vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Republicans nationwide are alerted to be on the lookout for this rogue politician who is suspected of brutally assaulting John McCain’s presidential aspirations [dyn.politico.com]. Should those aspirations die within the next 8 days, the charges may be upgraded to murder. Suspect is to be considered very heavily armed and dangerous to moose, snow-bound timber wolves and moderate Republicans.

Palin was last seen leaving the Tampa area after blaming the RNC for her recent $150,000 clothing imbroglio [www.nypost.com]. In recent weeks the suspect has repeatedly contradicted her running mate’s stated positions and ignored the advice of the campaign’s handlers by speaking to the press and pushing increasingly absurd attacks on the Democratic candidate that have been more damaging to John McCain than to Barack Obama. While not adverse to bomb-throwing and character assassination, the suspect’s preferred method appears to be poisoning. Several McCain advisers are currently working on the theory that Palin’s interview with Katie Couric injected the campaign with a fatal dose, one the campaign tried to forestall by rolling out the clips over the course of a week, to Palin’s annoyance. But the damage appears to have been done; workers report a toxic atmosphere filled with blame, finger-pointing and pre-criminations that hastened the deteriorating campaign’s condition. Traces of responsibility being accepted were negligible.

The suspect, whose behavior has been compared to that of a “diva” convinced of her own superior wisdom [www.cnn.com], is most likely to be found stumping in historically Republican, or “red”, states. Strenuous campaigning in these areas will have little to no positive effect for John McCain but seems designed to bolster the suspect’s credentials within the GOP base in order to facilitate her own presidential candidacy in 2012. Republican politicians are cautioned that, despite her cute and folksy demeanor, the suspect is perhaps as unprepared for a national campaign as any candidate in history, and close association may result in fatal damage to their own political fortunes. As such, the suspect is to be considered mentally unstable and should not be approached by citizens under any circumstances.

The McCain campaign says they hope to take down the rogue Alaskan by shooting her with tranquilizers fired from a low-flying airplane or, barring the success of that, slipping a mickey into her Jell-O shots.

– Michael Turner

Something felt familiar to me about the roller-coaster of emotions I felt toward Sarah Palin’s appearance on Saturday Night Live [www.nbc.com] last night. After hearing her stump speeches during the past few weeks, there was no way she would be able to pull off a guest appearance on the show without making a complete fool of herself, I thought. After all, this was the show that has ridiculed the Alaska governor with Tina Fey’s incredible impressions of Palin. This is the show that satirized Palin’s performance in the Katie Couric interviews. This is the show famous for laughing at politicians, whether the politicians are willing to come along for the ride or not.

The media and people throughout the country were waiting for Palin to crash and burn. I was getting excited.

Then I turned on the television. She had an opening bit with Lorne Michaels and Alec Baldwin. Not bad. Then she was on weekend update and bobbed her head to a rap about herself, performed by Amy Pohler with Andy Samberg and Fred Armisen as Eskimos. At one point Jason Sudeikos comes out as Todd Palin, joining in the rap, then a fake moose appears and Pohler (as Palin) pretends to shoot it. All the while Palin is beaming and joining in the fun.

Granted, expectations for Palin’s performance were low, and her task was relatively simple (sit there and bob her head/read off cue cards), but she hit it out of the park.

And Palin is the only candidate right now who could pull this off. If Obama came on with hula girls and Kenyan drums, I think he would have lost many votes, and much of his credibility.

The thing with Palin is, she doesn’t have much credibility to lose. When she fails (Katie Couric interviews), she is merely meeting the public’s expectations and when she doesn’t fail, she is praised as triumphant (VP debates). This is the Palin Effect. And last night this was in full effect.

If voting for a vice president had nothing to do with deciding who would run the country and make important decisions that impact everyone, but instead was choosing who would be the newest addition to the Saturday Night Live cast, my vote would go for Palin, all the way.

–Jamie Wong

Given the lack of damage control in her seemingly never-ending supply of weapons-grade dumb [blogs.reuters.com], it’s tempting to believe that Sarah Palin has all the self-awareness of a coffee grinder. Occasionally, though, something breaks through; she senses people are……mocking her? Is that the right word?…. and feels compelled to take another bite at the apple. For example, after her inability to name a single newspaper or magazine she regularly reads to stay informed [www.cbsnews.com], Palin decided that was the one she needed to walk back lest anyone think that she was maybe pushing the envelope on the whole anti-intellectual thing (apparently someone pointed out to her the impossibility of reading every publication currently in circulation).

So Palin checked the Google for some Supreme Court cases she could wow Sean Hannity with (who didn’t so much pitch Palin softballs as set up the T-Ball stand), and put that “annoying” Katie Couric in her place by namedropping the New York Times and The Economist as among her reading list fav’s.

We’ve already seen the firm analytical grasp she has on the NYT.

Sarah Palin reads The Economist?

In that case, has she read this? [www.economist.com] If so, it’s hard to believe Sarah Six-pack understands what she thinks she understands.[/url] It’s like the inverse of the Playboy excuse; “I don’t read the articles, I just look at the pictures.” Except in this case, even the pictures are punishing*.

• Concerned that the poll may be improperly weighted by not sampling enough Republican economists? There’s a reason they’re hard to find; they’re not particularly good at what they do:

(via) [thinkprogress.org]

To be fair, if I had to go out and pitch “GOP-Brand Fiscal Conservatism” with the track record it’s got, I’d play dumb too.

–Michael Turner

She’s whip-smart, with a breadth of foreign policy experience one wouldn’t suspect from her relatively brief tenure as an elected official. Considered a sex symbol by some, her steely resolve both surprises and charms her male counterparts, turning partisan foes into respecting admirers. Backed passionately by a large number of her party’s base, she also appeals to independents and has numerous examples of working across the aisle, a skill that will be crucial to any real bipartisan accomplishments in the next administration.

In short, had Barack Obama not won the Democratic nomination, Hillary Clinton would surely have made a capable Commander in Chief.

Then there’s Sarah Palin.

The Queen of the Wasilla Heathers is, as has been made painfully clear by the slow-motion torture of the Katie Couric interviews, not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And that’s her selling point. As she tells professional sycophant Hugh Hewitt [hughhewitt.townhall.com], “It’s time that normal Joe six-pack American is finally represented in the position of vice presidency, and I think that that’s kind of taken some people off guard…” Indeed it has, as most people would like someone more qualified than their local mechanic running the country. While “Git-R-Done” may be good for rallying the GOP base, it makes for an inadequate governing philosophy, and the White House is no place for the political equivalent of South Carolina’s Miss Teen USA contestant. [www.youtube.com]

John McCain’s attempt to play Henry Higgins with his Alaskan Eliza Doolittle would be entertaining if the stakes weren’t so high. But even Eliza knew better than to pretend to be something she’s not.

– Michael Turner