Not to be a Debbie Downer but as we near every gourmand’s favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, GOOD Magazine drops by like an unwanted guests bearing some tough truths about this November American holiday of feasting and giving thanks. The popular normative and celebrated mainstream history of Thanksgiving portrays “Pilgrims in brass-buckle shoes being saved from starvation in 1621 by kindly buckskin-clad Indians bearing gifts of wild game and corn.” The first documented mention of such an interaction was a letter from 1961 mentioning a feast with Native American king Massasoit and his men, but as GOOD points out, “the purpose of this letter makes it suspect: It was sent to England to attract more settlers to Plymouth Plantation. Rather than the founding document of America’s a multicultural past, it’s something of a hyped-up real-estate advertisement.” Ah, advertising, the second oldest profession!
Don’t eat any garlic for at least 72 hours beforehand.
Don’t give blood for at least a month beforehand: you’ll need all your reserves.
Get your blood work done beforehand and make sure you bring condoms: while the undead can’t give you any STDs, infections you might have (especially blood-borne infections) can make for an unpleasant experience for your vampire.
Remove any cross necklaces.
Avoid aggressive French kissing, lest you nick your tongue on their teeth (if you’ve ever bitten your own tongue, you’ll understand how painful this can be).
Request that your biting coincide with an orgasm — the rush of endorphins will help ease any pain, plus your increased heart rate will feel extra nice to your vampire.
Audible moaning to show you’re enjoying this pleasure-pain is always appreciated by a vampire.
Make sure you pack a snack (like a juice box and cookies) to eat immediately afterward to help with any wooziness.
Expect to be kicked out before sun up, and don’t take it personally.
Have a turtleneck or scarf on hand to wear home.
*For those of you one newt’s eye short of a witch’s brew, the above is Halloween fiction and is not intended as actual sex advice. You should not be breaking skin or letting anyone break your skin during sex: gentle hickeys are the best you can hope for. Happy Halloween!
There isn’t better proof that an active, healthy, happy sex life keeps you looking young and vibrant than Betty Dodson, the great American sex educator who basically invented sex-positive feminism and almost single-handedly made masturbation okay for women. She turns 80 today — and doesn’t look a day over 60! It could also be the fact that she’s been known to date people 40+ years her junior. Or maybe what keeps her young is simply her super, super sweet nature (we met her at a Society for the Scientific Study of Sex conference in Vegas — natch! — and she was a ray of sunshine, attracting fans like bees to light). She’s in the process of creating her memoir online, via installments of text and video, with her web partner Carlin Ross (the younger one in the videos). Check out DodsonAndRoss.com. But don’t let the sweet, grey-haired exterior fool you — Betty will tell you stories that will make you blush with shock and/or envy.
Holidays and special occasions like Mother’s Day are a great time to connect with the important people in your life. Take advantage of Mother’s Day by sending a Green E-card now. Eco-mmunity has a fun Green E-card feature that can help you reach out and thank your mother for bringing you into the world.
Make a Green E-card [www.sundancechannel.com] now!
We are sure you would do a better job, but here is an example of a Mother’s Day card
