Kelly Cutrone

Thank you, Bravo. Thank you for finally bringing to the screen, in her own seriously deserved starring vehicle, the true star of the past few seasons of The Hills and The City: Kelly “If you have to cry, go outside” Cutrone.

Episode 1 of Kell on Earth, unleashed upon our consciousness this past Monday, was everything I dreamed it would be — one delightful hour of my guiding light/spirit animal KC yelling, setting up gay dates, getting in-office pedis, and generally making “bitch” a compliment.

Stefanie Skinner, Andrew S., Robyn Berkley, Kelly Cutrone

1. Fashion is … hard to understand?

Maybe the people watching this show need a little more help than you or I or anyone who has ever looked at the Internet? Because I am not sure why else you would need Kelly to define what Fashion Week is. “Fashion Week is a time when fashion designers have fashion shows.” I hope everyone got a pen out for that one! Second-most-important “insider term”: first looks. “First looks are when models get into their first looks”. I hope that cleared it up.

2. Andrew M. is maybe my favorite person on reality TV ever.

I am besotted with Kelly’s assistant Andrew. I am pretty convinced that Kelly hired him because he is her doppelganger — he is three parts Cutrone and one part Marc Jacobs, the Perry Ellis years. If you aren’t really understanding what you are seeing in the photo below, let me explain it to you: He is wearing a T-shirt with one shoulder. An asymmetric man tee. To work. This look is topped only by his Fashion Week ensemble, which was a full-length sequined gown (oh, to be sample size) worn avec plaid flannel. On top of it all? He is a lil’ bit catty and lil’ bit funny and a lot bit hot. I bow down to you, Andrew. You are my heroin(e).

Kelly’s assistant Andrew M.

3. Pharmaceuticals really help at People’s Revolution.

This is a direct quote from Robyn’s assistant Andrew S. (not to be confused with Kelly’s assistant Andrew, my new BFF and fashion guru) as he tries to push Ativan on poor Stefanie. I fully believe that pill-popping is probs necessary at People’s Rev, if only in order to deal with that guy. Leave her alone, Jacqueline Susann. Take yer dollies elsewhere!

4. Even 7-year-olds know the score.

“I am not getting dressed up for the third row” is maybe the best thing I have ever heard uttered by someone in elementary school. Maybe by anyone ever, but certainly by someone who was born in the last decade. What I love most about it is that Kelly’s daughter isn’t being particularly bratty or snotty; it’s just true. Ava knows what’s up. Ava is teaching us bibles full of truth. Front row is for a giant hat, second row is for a good coat, and third row is basically for Pajama Jeans.

5. I am so not cut out for the real-deal commitment that this kind of lifestyle requires.

Robyn, one of the People’s Rev partners with Kelly, lives in the showroom. She lives there. She climbs through a rack of David Delfin hospital-scrub green monochromatic shorts ensembles, like Alice through the looking glass, and goes … to bed. It is a level of being married to your work that I don’t think I could handle. Bravo (puns!), Robyn, you are the best employee of all time.

6. Kelly is actively looking for a sexual partner.

I have nothing more to add to this. She declared this about halfway through the episode and I just want to help her out.

7. No one at People’s Rev wears under-eye concealer.

They all look so exhausted it makes me want to pump them full of Vitamin C and slip Ambiens into their coffee. I myself am no stranger to under-eye shadowing (I’m pretty sure it’s standard issue for most New Yorkers), but please, ladies and gay: Find a concealer you like. I am partial to a Dior — it will change your life, I swear. Apply liberally.

8. I never, ever want to be in charge of the Chado RSVPs. Ever.

I have never cringed and yearned to stroke the head of anyone and whisper “It’s gonna be okay, I promise you” more than I did last night, when poor Steffie Skinner tried to print the seating chart for the Chado Ralph Rucci show and it just wouldn’t print. What an insane amount of pressure for something that sounds so ridiculously unimportant. And yet — it is so important.