This morning our inbox had an email from Mike Daisey titled “A free monologue for a new year.” Daisey is the writer, director, ex-Amazon employee best known for his extemporaneous monologues. He just performed a sold-out show at Boston University’s Huntington Theatre on New Year’s Eve as part of Boston’s First Night festivities. What caught our eye in the description of the monologue was the “elaborate mating rituals” of New England Puritans (of course), but what kept our attention was the mention of advice for having a New Year’s Eve that doesn’t suck — humanity’s eternal dilemma. Admittedly we haven’t listened to the whole thing yet, but anything that makes fun of Boston in the first two minutes can’t be half bad. Here’s the set up from Daisey:
Article: "Bounce That Dick," feminist or not?
When we were sent a link to the new YouTube video “Bounce That Dick” on the Jenna Marbles channel, we didn’t know what to expect: some kind of safe-for-work sexual technique advice video by a porn star turned educator? Then, during the first 30 seconds, our hopes were raised, as the young “blogger and entertainer” began a rap parody, stating with much braggadocio, “I’ve been told since the day I started growing pubes to shake my ass. Well, guess what, my ass is fucking tired as shit. This time it’s your turn to wiggle your man junk for me. I wanna see you shake your muthafuckin penis, bitch.”
Through our friend, Lynn Harris, writer, co-creator of Breakup Girl, and now communications strategist for something called Breakthrough, we heard about a “Rewrite the Ending” contest (which ended last month):
Show of hands- How many of you wish that:
- Andy (Pretty in Pink) had ended up with Ducky?
- After Willy dies (Death of a Salesman), his wife gets a great sales job without having to play the “poor widow” card?
- When Simran’s father finally releases her hand (Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge), she runs for the train to Goa and finds happiness on her own?
- Ariel (Little Mermaid) had kept her voice and won American Idol.
In other words: How often have you been enjoying a book, movie, play, or TV episode…when all of a sudden things take a turn for the sexist, misogynist, needlessly violent, or worse? Have you ever wished you could jump into a story, shout at the characters, grab the pen (or keyboard) of the writer, and make it turn out the way you think it should?
Of course we have! So I (Lo) entered the contest (you could do it via Twitter, Facebook or email, from 140 characters up to a couple hundred words). Here was my entry:
In a review of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (the new U.S. version starring Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara), the US Weekly critic Mara Reinstein writes of Lisbeth Salander, “The brazenly bisexual, leather-clad, withdrawn title heroine…” Wait — brazenly what? What does it even mean to be brazenly bisexual?
As you may have noticed (we’re not exactly subtle on this point), we don’t buy the idea that men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and shuttles between the two are infrequent at best. We tend to think that women and men are a lot more alike than rumor (or headline) has it — especially when it comes to sex and love. But this is not to say that men and women are alike in all matters of love and lust. We’ll even go so far as to admit that some of the cliches about the gulf between men and women turn out to be true.
Article: The top 10 sex scandals of 2011
It’s the most top-10-list time of year! And we’re not even going to try to resist its allure. 2011 was no stranger to sex scandals (is any year?). Most were political and/or not really all that surprising. And so, without further ado:
photo of DSK graffiti via Flickr
2. Shirtless congressman on Craigslist
3. Arnold’s love child
Earlier this week on our site, we asked our Wise Guys what was up with the sexy Santa lingerie thing. Which naturally led us to thinking about Mariah Carey, and how she basically owns the entire sexy Santa category, not to mention the sub-category of soft-core porn Santa. We know she didn’t exactly invent the look — scantily clad Santa’s helpers have been around for decades, and someone saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus years ago — but she’s made it her own again… and again… and again (Google-image-search “Sexy Mariah Santa” if you can handle even more).
A man who donates his sperm to women and couples he meets online faces federal charges (a $100,000 fine or up to a year in prison) for not doing blood tests every time.
CDC study shows that the HPV vaccine doesn’t make teens promiscuous. Yeah, we know: shocking.
Fewer than half of U.S. adults are currently married, which is a record low. Cue a thousand “End Of Marriage?” headlines.
After your dad, your significant other is the most difficult person in the world to buy presents for. After all there’s so much pressure — you want it to strike the right note, convey your love, perhaps your desire, show just how well you know them, and at the same time be a surprise. So…
While doing a little internet research, our intern Alyssa came across this article from the Telegraph UK entitled “Average Man Has 9 Sexual Partners in Lifetime, Women Have 4″ accompanied by a photo like one of those above. Next to the link she sent, Alyssa wrote: “Random Side Note: Why do they always use photos of feet sticking out of a bed for these sex stories? Who has sex with cold feet like that? Doesn’t it make anyone else feel comfortable staring at these random people’s feet? Seriously!” It’s a legitimate (and funny) question.
Illustration via ROOKIE MAG
“It’s not easy, in this world, to learn how to navigate our anger and attraction, to learn how to be strong, sexual women and kind, gentle men.” This is a quote from our friend Michelle Chihara’s essay, “Pieces of the Past,” published this week on her blog This Blue Angel. On the surface this essay is a response, a clarification of sorts, to an essay the filmmaker Miranda July — Michelle’s former high school classmate — published on the teen website Rookie, about what she calls her feminist action, twenty years ago. But at its heart Michelle’s essay is about feminism, activism, sympathy, motherhood, adulthood, sex, sexuality… you know, the little things.
Let’s rewind a little: Miranda July’s essay describes how a boy at their high school made an announcement in assembly: “Someone spilled their Coke on my BMW. If this happens again I’m going to be forced to sue for damages. Keep your hands off my car.” In other words, he was a rich asshole — either that or he did a pretty good impression of one.
In “I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Joke” news, an Islamic cleric bans women from touching bananas and cucumbers to avoid them having sexual thoughts.
Mint.com’s “page not available” page has a kinda funny personal ad.
Sometimes you have to date someone for months before the crazy comes out. And then other times, you receive a 1,600 word email after a disastrous first date that accuses you of leading the person on because you played with your hair, you made a lot of eye contact, and you said “Nice to meet you” at the end of the evening. We’re going to have to rethink our first-date advice now, because we’ve always told people that if you’re not planning on calling someone, then don’t say “I’ll call you” and never call — instead just say, at the end of the date, “It was nice to meet you,” and leave it at that. We figured that was the international standard for, “Have a nice life.” Apparently one investment banker didn’t get the memo.
Of course, this 1,600 word email could be a fake. (Backstory: “Lauren” went to the Philharmonic alone, met “Mike” there, and they went on one date, after which she didn’t return his calls, so he Googled her email address and sent her the below letter.) But we’ve received thousand of emails over the years from people who are sad/mad/heartbroken/crazy about love — and this one reads like real-life crazy to us. Here’s the letter in full — we’ll let you decide:
Embarrassing diary entries, old yearbook photos, junior high love letters — it’s all fun and games until someone breaks out their unhinged teenage anti-choice poetry.
When it comes to giving your significant O a holiday gift, slippers are great, but sex toys are better. As long as you make quality, beauty and safety your main priorities, you can’t go wrong with a pleasure object (unless you’re in a relationship with a religious neo-con, i.e. one of the few ones who don’t have a secret gimp suit hidden under their bed). Here are some suggestions that are particularly festive:
Article: Car crash sex on TV
We recently ran a post on EMandLO.com about television shows with hot sex scenes, but if we’re being honest, the stuff that really floats our boats is the hilarious, cringe-worthy stuff that just seems a lot more realistic — after all, sex is often awkward, full of miscommunication, with some head bonking and disappointment, maybe tears. Which is why we loved, loved, LOVED last night’s episode of New Girl on Fox. We’ll admit, we were pretty eh about the pilot — it was close, but no cigar. So we never scheduled a second date with the show. But a friend encouraged us to give it another chance last night and we are so glad we did — because we can’t remember the last time we laughed so hard, especially not from of a television show (we’re talking tears and stomach pain). Not to get your hopes up, but it’s one of the best sex scenes we’ve ever seen on TV* — it should win an Emmy. We liked it so much, we went online so we could watch the earlier “penis” episode (officially titled “Naked”), which also did not disappoint. Oh, if only the same could be said for sex.
Here’s something to LOL about: A new study shows that the whole teen sexting thing was — shocker — largely media hype, and that only 1% of kids age 10-17 have texted an explicit picture of themselves. And a million teens roll their eyes and say “We told you so.”
Speaking of overreacting: Turns out that the trope that “men think about sex every 7 seconds” is total bull (Again: shocking, we know.) Actual research shows that men think about sex, on average, 18.6 times a day — and for women the average is 9.9 times a day. Not exactly the distance from Mars the Venus, right? For comparison: men think about food almost 18 times a day (and women almost 15 times a day).
Article: When sex and merchandise don't mix
The only thing worse than sex being used to sell products that have nothing to do with sex is when sex is actually put into a product in some way when it shouldn’t be. Below are four sex product fails – don’t even think about them as potential holiday gifts, not even stocking stuffers. You’ve been warned:
Bacon Lube: J&D’s wants the world to taste like bacon, so they made bacon salt, and baconnaise, bacon ranch and even bacon lip balm. So we guess it was only a matter of time before they made bacon lube. They say it started out as an April Fool’s prank but then got so many requests that they had to follow through with bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil. Fortunately, it’s only available for a limited time.
Erotic Energy Drinks: As if Red Bull weren’t bad enough – Big Cock cola and Little Pussy passion fruit drink are now available in Las Vegas. Of course they are.
We’ve all had our share of dubious Facebook friend requests – that regrettable one night stand you’d almost succeeding in forgetting, your former therapist, your ex, your mom. But what about a Facebook request from your unborn child? A bunch of guys in Brazil were recently friend-requested by babies with their own name, plus the “Jr.” suffix. It turns out that these friend requests were actually from a condom company.
Article: Today is World AIDS Day
Today marks “the beginning of the end of AIDS”:
“Getting to Zero” is the theme of the UNAIDS efforts (the joint United Nations program on AIDS/HIV).
Bono was on The Daily Show last night promoting his activist organization, One, and his fundraising one, Red.
Add a patch to the One and Red campaigns’ 2015 Quilt, pledging to buy at least one Red gift this holiday season, and you’ll get to choose one of The Killers six consecutive Christmas songs benefiting Red for free.
Why porn that women actually like (i.e. with normal looking guys like James Dean, above) makes men so uncomfortable.
Does success as an artist bring you more sexual conquests? Yes and no, say researchers.
A few years back we went on a cross country road trip to promote our first book, The Big Bang. We knew that we’d find dirty minds (i.e. eager book buyers) in places like San Francisco and Portland, but we couldn’t believe how kinky things got in Raleigh, NC! One guy asked us to spank him with his copy of our book after signing it, and someone else asked us to inscribe a book to their partner who was “tied up” at home (quite literally, it turned out). Later, at the bar (and this was a chic cheese and wine spot, mind you) someone grabbed his partner’s boob right in front of us, and a long time reader gifted us with one of his company’s gorgeous glass dildoes. All of us which is to say, we were thrilled but not entirely shocked to read recently that a Baptist church in Raleigh just announced that they will not perform any legal wedding ceremonies until North Carolina accepts same-sex marriage…
We were big fans of Laurie Abraham even before she stopped by our book club and drank red wine with us while we interrogated her about her book, The Husbands and Wives Club: A Year in the Life of a Couples’ Therapy Group. She’s a smart and thoughtful (and funny) writer about some of our favorite topics: sex, relationships, therapy, communication between the sexes, monogamy and its discontents. So we were thrilled to see her cover story in last week’s New York Times Magazine, on another of our favorite topics: sex ed (and not the abstinence-only kind, thank you very much)…
Article: Fucking James Franco
For those who don’t follow our Monday Kickstarter best-of’s, Kickstarter.com is a funding platform for music, film, art, technology, design, food, publishing and other creative projects. If a project doesn’t reach its stated funding goal before time runs out, no money changes hands. One art project that just met its $2,000 goal before its closing date this coming Saturday, thanks to over 100 backers, is “Fucking James Franco,” a collection of erotic fantasies about the art world’s golden boy (read: annoying dude) “that the world desperately needs,” produced by Portland-based Social Malpractice Publishing and Container Corps Art Press.