Technology fixes for classic fairy tales
While Em was reading her daughter a bedtime story the other night, it occurred to her — because she has read the same stories hundreds of times and thus it is possible to think about potential posts for this blog while reading — that a swift exchange of contact info would have been a much easier way for the Prince to stay in touch with Cinderella. And if the Prince and Cinderella forgot to exchange digits before midnight, then a few minutes of Internet stalking — Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, et. al. — would have fixed that. It’s perhaps not quite as romantic as visiting every woman in the land with a discarded shoe, but it’s a lot more convenient. Also, less gross. (Hello, athlete’s foot. Google that, Prince Charming.)
Anyway, this got us wondering how many other fairy tales could be swiftly solved — or ruined, depending on your take — by technology:
Beauty and the Beast: If the Beast had just signed up for an online dating site, he and Belle could have fallen in love over the Internet while they talked about books and reading and romance… before ever exchanging photographs.
The Little Mermaid: Instead of saving the Prince from a storm and dragging him to shore, she could have just cued up SPLASH on his Netflix account and he would have dived in looking for her, faster than you can say “Daryl Hannah in a fish suit.” Of course, if she did stupidly trade in her voice for a pair of legs, she could have always turned to the ultra modern technology of writing to spell it all out for him.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: If the Prince had taken just one goddamned CPR class in his entire life, then he would have known to check her airway and would have found that piece of apple lodged in her throat. We’re partial to a Prince Charming who knows the Heimlich Maneuver, but maybe that’s just us.
The Emperor’s New Clothes: If you don’t believe a small child in the crowd who says you look ridiculous with no clothes on, perhaps you’ll believe a YouTube video that’s going viral with 3 million (and counting) hits.
Hansel and Gretel: What kid goes into the woods these days without a cellphone equipped with Google Maps? Also, microwave ovens are way too small for roasting little children.
The Goose That Laid the Golden Eggs: Who would even think about killing the goose that laid the golden eggs when you could make a fortune auctioning her off on eBay?
Chicken Little: Let’s all just turn on the TV for the evening news, shall we? If the sky is falling down, it’ll probably be in the scrolling ticker at the bottom of the screen.
The Gingerbread Man: Childless old women no longer need to bake Gingerbread Men when they’re feeling lonely — they can just adopt a Webkinz instead.
Pied Piper of Hamelin: Um, we guess he never heard of the Amber Alert system.
The Princess and the Pea: Four words for you, sister: Sleep Number Memory Foam.
Rapunzel: We have seen the mountains men will scale and the rivers they will cross just to get laid. We have also seen the remarkably creative technological feats men have achieved just to make masturbation feel like getting laid. And so we refuse to believe that a motivated young man wouldn’t figure out a way to get into that tower. As it were.
Sleeping Beauty: If either one of us ever falls into a deep coma, do us a favor and take us to the emergency room before asking any local men if they’d like to plant one on us, would you?
The Three Little Pigs: Earthquake-proof buildings are probably pretty good at withstanding some angry wolf’s hot air.
The Ugly Duckling: If you don’t believe you’re beautiful, just upload a pic to HotorNot. The Internets does not lie.
Little Red Riding Hood: Either Little Red Riding Hood would be traumatized for life after these events… or else some kind soul would help her work through her issues with a little modern therapeutic BDSM-tinted role-play.
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